Republican candidate for Governor Dino Rossi issued a strong statement today denying any ties to charities in general and Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission in particular. A series of incriminating photographs have been revealed that show Rossi performing a number of selfless volunteer acts for Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission.

“I do not now, nor have I ever cared even the slightest bit about what happens to the homeless,” said Rossi. “This is just another of the baseless attacks that have become typical of my opponent.”

Allegations of Rossi’s involvement at the shelter began in May. At that time, Rossi denied having any sort of connection, saying “I don’t even know what the Union Gospel Mission is, but I definitely don’t support unions.” However, an in-depth investigative report by the Naked Loon uncovered evidence that contradicted Rossi’s claims.

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Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced a revision yesterday to his plan to charge city residents for using plastic and paper bags at area grocery stores: The “price” of a bag will rise to $1 for paper and $2 for plastic, a jump from the original fee of 10 cents for paper and 20 cents for plastic.

The fee program was approved by the city council last summer, and has met with substantial resistance from local merchants, tourists, and pretty much everyone one except the mayor.

“We, or rather I, feel it is imperative to make this fine, err, I mean green-use fee sting, in order to teach the upstanding, if obstinate citizens of our eco-friendly city that hurting the earth simply does not pay,” Nickels said Friday afternoon at a press conference hastily organized on the steps of city hall.

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A committee made up of city, state and county officials commissioned to study solutions to the Alaska Way Viaduct announced their latest findings today. The committee released a statement indicating that they have finally determined a definitive solution to the problem of the crumbling Viaduct. That solution, according to the committee, is to form more committees.

“I’m a little embarrassed it took us this long to see the obvious answer that was staring us in the face this whole time,” said Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels.

The report from the committee laid out an extensive plan to solve the Viaduct issue by convening a series of seventy-three separate committees over the next twenty years.

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