Politics

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Oppressive Tax on Loathed Minority Set for Easy Passage

Facing an unprecedented $9 billion budget shortfall, legislators in Olympia are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to sustain the drunken spending spree of the past four years.

Now thanks to some quick thinking by Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, cuts in popular programs such as after school basket weaving for inner-city toddlers will likely be avoided as an oppressive tax on an unpopular minority heads for easy passage.

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Dan Rather Uncovers Martin Luther King Jr. Memo Endorsing Obama by Name

In an exclusive investigative report set to air Friday morning, veteran newsman Dan Rather will reveal a stunning document unearthed from the files of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., in which the late civil rights activist strongly endorses Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

Rather will unveil the document during a special edition of his cable news program Dan Rather Reports on HDNet.


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Rossi Admits Mafia Ties, Surges in Polls

Just two days after Republican candidate for governor Dino Rossi admitted ties to a powerful Italian crime syndicate, statewide polls show he has opened an overwhelming lead over Christine Gregoire.

In a poll of three thousand likely voters taken Wednesday Rossi leads Gregoire by over sixty points statewide. In an even bigger shocker, Rossi—who was behind by as much as 30 points in King County just last week—now holds a 61-37 lead in among Seattle area voters.


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Voters Face Difficult Decision Between Ultra-Rich and Ultra-Richer

For voters already faced with a difficult decision in November, the latest in a series of delightful name-calling, finger-pointing campaign ads highlights what could become the most important issue in this year’s presidential election: which ultra-rich candidate best relates to the average American.

Set off by the revelation this week that John McCain can’t remember how many houses he owns, this new mud-slinging contest could be the most crucial in the contest for the nation’s top job.


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Gregoire Gifted Yacht, Mansion by Tribes; Denies Conflict of Interest

According to a statement released today by Christine Gregoire’s campaign, a $50 million yacht and $5.4 million mansion given to her by the state’s Indian tribes do not constitute a conflict of interest, and anyone that suggests they do is racist, and probably also sexist.

While recent headlines have been focused on over $650,000 in contributions to Gregoire’s campaign from the tribes, the personal gifts of the yacht and mansion were not previously public knowledge.

“This is a preemptive strike against all the hateful bigots out there that simply do not understand the normal and natural flow of politics,” said Debra Carnes, Gregoire’s campaign communication director.


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Ronald Reagan Returns from Grave to Slam Republicans

Former President Ronald Reagan returned from the afterlife Wednesday to deliver a message to members of the Republican Party: “You are the problem.”

In a blatant beyond-the-grave violation of the 11th commandment—thou shalt not speak ill of another Republican—a ghostly image of Reagan floated over his tomb at the Reagan Library in Simi Valley and launched into a two-hour tirade against the Republican party in general and a number of Republicans specifically.

“What the hell, guys,” said the spectre, visibly agitated. “How is it possible that so many of you can be claiming my legacy and yet continue to so dramatically screw things up?”


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Dino Rossi Adamantly Denies Ties to Local Charity

Republican candidate for Governor Dino Rossi issued a strong statement today denying any ties to charities in general and Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission in particular. A series of incriminating photographs have been revealed that show Rossi performing a number of selfless volunteer acts for Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission.

“I do not now, nor have I ever cared even the slightest bit about what happens to the homeless,” said Rossi. “This is just another of the baseless attacks that have become typical of my opponent.”

Allegations of Rossi’s involvement at the shelter began in May. At that time, Rossi denied having any sort of connection, saying “I don’t even know what the Union Gospel Mission is, but I definitely don’t support unions.” However, an in-depth investigative report by the Naked Loon uncovered evidence that contradicted Rossi’s claims.