Today at noon Eastern, in a magnificent ceremony overflowing with more majesty and splendor than a human mind is capable of comprehending, President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America, ushering in a new age of eternal peace, prosperity, and oneness for all mankind.
As preparations for the crowning achievement of humankind finally come to a dramatic climax, tens of billions of citizens of Earth from all eras of history have descended on Washington D.C. to partake in this extraordinary event of infinite cosmic importance.
Having led a flawless life, President Obama will fulfill his role as the one true leader—that which the entire world has awaited since the dawn of time. His reign shall be unparalleled in this and every universe, as his interminable aura of purest hope and change permeate the furthest reaches of time and space.
The moment Obama takes the oath of office, a great and everlasting calm shall descend upon the earth, and the perpetual serenity will begin.
Scholars are divided on whether to refer to the Obama era as the “permanent tranquility” or the “harmonious everlast.”
Over seven hundred thousand workers were brought to the capital to prepare for the inaugural proceedings, which will conclude with a simultaneous release of ten thousand white doves and the activation of a high-tech government device that will deliver telepathically-induced orgasms to everyone within a 10-mile radius of the Capitol steps.
When asked to describe their anticipation of the Obama presidency, citizens were unable to find words in English or any other human language to properly capture its unadulterated radiance.
Some have questioned the seemingly excessive amount of news, radio, and television coverage that has been afforded to Obama in the months and weeks leading up to this momentous day. They question whether non-stop, back-to-back-to-back, 24/7, continuing coverage of any and all things Obama, to the exclusion of everything else is truly completely necessary.
Is it necessary? To answer that question in a word: yes. In two words: Hell yes. In three words: That’s a stupid question, and anyone that asks it is stupid, evil, and most likely an unabashed blazing racist.
Important Obama Inauguration Facts:
- Fifteen newborns are named after Barack Obama every second.
- There are enough commemorative Obama mugs, posters, and t-shirts in existence to give six of each to every man, woman, and child on Earth.
- Barack Obama’s historic bathroom break was covered by over nine thousand newspapers worldwide.
- Each time Barack Obama exhales, planet-wide pollution decreases by 25%.
- Every night, the Obama family’s leftovers are flown via private jet to starving children in Uganda. To date, the Obama’s leftovers have saved over seventeen million lives.
Welcome to the 21st century, you backwards luddite! Now go find a web browser that supports iframes.