Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

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Birds: What is Science Hiding?

When was the last time you thought about birds? I mean really pondered them. Like turn off the TV and the music, shut yourself in a dark closet, and meditate on birds.

Since your answer probably rhymed with “sever” (shame on you), I’m going to take a moment to share some of my recent deep, contemplative thoughts about birds.

How many birds would you say you have seen in the past month?

The Many (Authorized) Uses for Q-tips

This morning as I was rigorously cleaning my ear canals with Q-tips, I made a rather alarming discovery on the box:

Warning: Do not use swab in ear canal.

Thankfully, I had just finished my fourth morning ear canal cleaning, so I was already prepped for the day before this distressing revelation. This left me with roughly twenty-three and a half hours to decide what to do now that I knew the shameful truth.

Blackberries: Heck Yeah

If you thought this article was going to be about some boring piece of technology, you’re a nerd. No, I’m not here to talk about cell phones. I’m here to talk about fruit. It’s just about that time of the year again: blackberry season! Yum!

As the most prolific weed west of the Cascades, blackberries can be found all over the Puget Sound. In my professional opinion (I have a Ph.D. in complex berry neuroscience), if you lives around here and pay money to buy blackberries, you are one of three things:

  • stupid
  • lazy
  • a giant wuss

Actually, knowing you, you’re probably all three. Seriously, there is no excuse not to pick your own blackberries. None.

10 Reasons Seattle is Awesome and Should Never Ever Change

Seattle is the greatest city on the planet. Strange as it may seem, there are millions of people that have not been enlightened to this basic truth. I have helpfully compiled a “top 10” list that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt just how awesome Seattle truly is.

10) People in Seattle are more educated and more intelligent than the dim-witted populace of other cities.

9) Not only are we intellectually superior, we are also morally superior. We care about all the important things like saving the planet, stopping global warming, and buying organic. It feels good to be so good…

Lighthouses: They Rock

Have you ever stopped to think about what life would be like if there were no lighthouses in existence? No West Point Light Station at Discovery Park? No Admiralty Head Light? No Alki Point Light?

I didn’t think so, so here’s your chance to do so.

Done already? Well okay then. Your conclusion probably went along the lines of this: “I don’t want to think today. Also, you can’t tell me what to do.” Well if that’s the way it’s going to be, you leave me no choice but to straight up tell you what the world would be like if we didn’t have any lighthouses.

Imagine this. You are a captain of SS Blue Flamingo and are on a very important mission to deliver three tons of marijuana to the U.S. so that all the suffering cancer patients can toke up and forget they have cancer. Day turns to night, and you find yourself in the perilous waters of Dead Cows Corner…

Trust Me on this One: Dolphins are Stupid

I feel I just have to address something gone terribly wrong in this world: Dolphins. Yes, you heard me right, dang it. I said dolphins. Yeah, I know, you think they’re cute. You think they are smart. That’s what you’ve been told. Told by the system. THE SYSTEM! DO YOU HEAR ME?! THEY ARE FORCE-FEEDING YOU THESE LIES!!

Yeah, they may LOOK cute, and their trainers may SAY they are smart, but they are not smart. Not at all. (Imagine an uppity nasal voice here) “Dolphins are easily as intelligent as man because they develop complex social relationships with other creatures and display learning skills higher than any other animal. Really humans could learn a lot from dolphins. They have the intelligence to aide them in living full happy lives, without the instinct to use their intelligence to prey on other creatures. We are indeed inferior.”