United Nations Resolution Declares End of Financial Crisis

At the conclusion of a specially-convened 48-hour summit this weekend, the United Nations narrowly passed a resolution declaring an official end to the worldwide economic crisis.

The resolution states that if the complete and utter collapse of the world economy refuses to cease all its financial destruction programs and allow UN inspectors to verify the termination thereof, it runs the risk of bearing the full brunt of further resolutions.

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Twine Ball Heroically Saved from Freak Tornado

Devastation thrashed through Oklahoma Saturday morning in the form of a series of horrifying and rare August tornadoes. Bouncing down the streets and destroying houses like they were nothing at all, the tornadoes did approximately $8.5 million in damage.

Stringtown resident Josiah Harnekey shared his account of the tornado that swept through his neighborhood, destroying his house.

“I got all kids down to the cellar right quick, but then I realized that I didn’t have my twine ball with me.”

China Fakes Entire Olympic Games

BEIJING – While fraudulent footprint fireworks and little lip-syncing Lin appeared to be the extent of China’s Olympic deception, in reality these scandals are just the icing on an enormous Olympic fakery cake. According to well-placed sources in the Chinese government, the entirety of the Beijing Olympic Games is in fact completely staged.

Every single aspect of the 2008 Summer Games as viewed by the world on television and the Internet has been part of an elaborate farce, carried out through a combination of green-screen digital trickery and fully computer-generated graphics.

Even Beijing’s famous “crow’s nest” stadium exists only as an arrangement of bits inside a massive graphic-manipulation supercomputer.

Nation’s Moviegoers Declare War on Theaters

In a sudden fit of rage Friday, moviegoers across the country threw down their ten dollar popcorn, spat out their eight dollar sodas, and announced the commencement of a full-scale war against theaters.

“We have had enough,” read the statement. “From now on, we only buy tickets, nothing else. Also, we’re not going to watch the pre-movie ads anymore.”

The spontaneous army of six-million film watchers issued the statement just as box offices around the country were preparing for another blockbuster weekend thanks to such mega-hits as The Dark Knight, Step Brothers, and Kung Fu Panda.

Instead of greeting patrons anxious to buy junk food with three thousand percent markups, theater employees were barely able to escape with their lives as legions of angry fans stormed past the concession stands and into auditoriums without buying a single thing.

FDIC Folds—Federal Finances Foolishly Floundered

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) announced today that effective immediately they will cease all banking operations nationwide.

“The simple truth of the matter is that we just couldn’t deal with this many banks failing all at once,” said FDIC Chairman Sheila Bair. The government agency provided so-called deposit “insurance” for bank deposits up to $100,000.

Created in 1933 during the Great Depression, the FDIC was intended to be a government-issued security blanket that would restore confidence in the banking system among the American people. Unfortunately, the agency was never granted enough power or funding to handle more than one or two minor bank failures per year.

“We never really expected this degree of crisis,” explained Bair. “I mean, who could have possibly predicted…

Ahmadinejad Discovers, Embraces Jewish Ancestry

In a press conference from Jerusalem on Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced the stunning findings of a team of Iran’s best genealogists: Ahmadinejad is a sixteenth Jewish.

A stunned silence fell upon the roughly 200 members of the press, most of whom expected the revelation to be followed by an explosive tirade against Israel. Instead, Ahmadinejad calmly explained that he now realizes that his previous “annihilate Israel” platform may have been unnecessarily harsh, and that he intends to fully embrace his newly-discovered Jewish heritage.

“In the past, when I said that ‘anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation’s fury,’ I was speaking from an outsider’s misunderstanding of what it means to be Jewish,” said Ahmadinejad as he donned a traditional kippah. “It turns out that the Zionist regime really isn’t that bad after all.”

Al-Qaeda to Close Seattle Cell, Cites High Insurance Costs

After months of silence, a video released from al-Qaeda on Monday announced that the struggling organization will close 150 terror cells worldwide, including in Seattle.

The unnamed spokesman in the grainy video cited skyrocketing insurance costs as the primary reason for closing the Seattle cell. “Health, dental, vision, life, automobile, home… it adds up fast,” said the figure.

Most of the local terror cell jobs will be outsourced to Iraq and Pakistan. The move has upset local dedicated al-Qaeda operatives.

“I left my job at Microsoft because I believed in this organization’s three values: Death to America, establish caliphate, and taking care of the martyrs with full vision and dental,” said Shoreline al-Qaeda member Ahmed Moqed…