In a press conference from Jerusalem on Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced the stunning findings of a team of Iran’s best genealogists: Ahmadinejad is a sixteenth Jewish.
A stunned silence fell upon the roughly 200 members of the press, most of whom expected the revelation to be followed by an explosive tirade against Israel. Instead, Ahmadinejad calmly explained that he now realizes that his previous “annihilate Israel” platform may have been unnecessarily harsh, and that he intends to fully embrace his newly-discovered Jewish heritage.
“In the past, when I said that ‘anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation’s fury,’ I was speaking from an outsider’s misunderstanding of what it means to be Jewish,” said Ahmadinejad as he donned a traditional kippah. “It turns out that the Zionist regime really isn’t that bad after all.”
Ahmadinejad’s new stance on Israel stands in stark contrast to his previous platform that they should be “wiped off the map.” Now that he has discovered his own Jewish ancestry, he plans to reach out to Israel to “build a positive relationship based on trust and mutual understanding.”
“When you think about it, we really have a lot in common,” Ahmadinejad explained. “We all hate pork, right? It is time we focus on our shared values instead of being so negative all the time.”
He extended his arms wide to emphasize his point. “It is time for Iran and Israel to put aside their differences and hug it out,” he said.
The Iranian President also described changes he has made to his daily life since the discovery. In addition to following a strict kosher diet, he has also been circumcised and has began studying the Torah daily.
“I never realized how much truth and beauty were contained in this text”, he proclaimed, holding a copy of the Torah above his head. Hundreds of flashing cameras caught the tears streaming from his eyes.
In addition to revealing his Jewish ancestry and detailing his personal journey, Ahmadinejad also announced a number of new pro Israel policies that will take effect immediately in Iran:
- Free Star of David lapel pins for every Iranian citizen
- Photoshopped missiles now pointed at France instead of Israel
- Holocaust no longer referred to as “the lie of the corrupt Zionist regime”
- Tehran and Jerusalem to begin sister city program
After reading his prepared statement, Ahmadinejad fielded questions and assured reporters that this is definitely not part of an elaborate ruse to lure the nation of Israel into a false sense of safety in order to destroy them from within. “That is utter nonsense,” he said. “I just truly love Israel. Is that so hard to believe?”
Naked Loon reporter Jaime Rodriguez also contributed to this story.