As Érik Bédard comes close to making his way off of the disabled list, Mariners management staff admits that they are now kicking themselves for having bought the extended warranty on the star pitcher.
“I mean come on, it was only $29.95 at the register,” said team president Howard Lincoln.
General Manager Bill Bavasi took full responsibility for the oversight, saying Thursday that he “always thought those things were a scam.”
“Now I realize that buying the extended warranty would have been a wise move to protect our $7 million investment,” Bavasi said. “Not to mention the five players we traded for this one guy.”
Thanks to an alleged inflammation in his left hip, Bédard has already missed three games in the first month of the season. “To think we could have avoided all of this with mere phone call,” said Lincoln, referring to the warranty repair center that handles repairs of this nature. “I just don’t know what we were thinking.”
“We could add warranty coverage once we get him back off the disabled list,” said Manager John McLaren, “but they jack the price up to $500,000—so it doesn’t really make sense unless you get it before you complete the purchase.” Added McLaren: “that kind of money is almost enough buy a townhome in Northgate or something.”
With Bédard set to start on Saturday, management can only cross their fingers and hope that he isn’t stricken with another injury, such as an acute spinalectomy, spontaneous frontal lobotomy, or an uncomfortable ingrown toenail.
“Érik has told me that he feels he’s got this thing beat, and will be good for the rest of the season,” said Bavasi. “Of course, you never know when or where polio is going to strike, and without the protection of an extended warranty, anything could happen,” he said.
“We’re just two and a half games back, so it definitely could have been worse,” said McLaren. “A baseball franchise is like a fancy piece of electronics,” he explained, “there’s all sorts of magic inside that makes it work, and if just one part explodes in a fiery ball of molten lead and fiberglass, it can burn down your entire house.”
Mariners management insist that this is a mistake they will not make again in the future. “Anyone can fall victim to an unexpected injury,” said Lincoln, “but it takes brains to protect against that by purchasing the warranty. I think we’ve got that now.”