Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist, author, and totally serious presidential candidate Dave Barry took a brief break from his whirlwind Olympic trip Monday to unveil his latest project: Dave Barry: The Musical.
“I’m really excited that I will finally get a chance to share Dave Barry: The Musical with my fans,” said Barry in a live video feed from his Beijing hotel. “I think they will both really get a kick out of it.”
Although many critics feared that Barry would follow up his film adaptation of his book “Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys” with a stage version of the same, Barry reports that Dave Barry: The Musical consists of entirely new material.
Barry has been working on the stage production since 2003, when a talking platypus outlined the original plot for him in a lucid dream.
“I don’t want to ruin the story for you,” said Barry, “but think of all of your favorite things—flaming pop tarts, 24, and exploding cows… and just keep thinking of them while you’re watching my musical. You’re sure to have a great time.”
Rather than opening on Broadway, Dave Barry: The Musical will immediately launch into a 39-city tour across North America, beginning in 2009. “I have some pretty nasty allergies when exposed to young urban professionals and gourmet-ice cream facilities, so a traditional run in New York was out of the question,” explained Barry.
Dave Barry: The Musical will have something for everyone, according to Barry. “We are pulling out all the stops for this show,” Barry exclaimed. “Over-the-top sets, huge musical numbers, incredible costumes… we spent well over $30 on just my wardrobe.”
Barry refused to comment on the degree to which boogers, exploding toilets, and gratuitous pyrotechnics would be utilized in his musical, other than to say that they would be the focus of the story for no less than forty-five minutes.
“Okay fine,” said Barry, who began the announcement fully dressed, but twenty minutes in had removed everything but his boxers and a t-shirt. “I’ll tell you a little bit about the plot.”
“I’ve invented this light-cannon that shoots rainbows and makes people break into spontaneous song, but the editors of the Miami Herald have taken over South Florida and are trying to steal my creation. So naturally I am forced to launch a counter-offensive against the millions of minions of Floridians. In the big grand finale I exit the show in a jet-pack powered by Diet Coke and Mentos.”
Barry warned that attendees of Dave Barry: The Musical should not wear flammable clothing or red. He also mentioned that umbrellas will be made available for a small fee at the door. Audience participation is an important element of the show. In an example given by Barry, collection plates will be passed to gather ammunition for the “booger cannon” – a device that gets a lot of use in the final act.
Additional details on the show are sketchy, as three hours into the announcement Barry began drifting in and out of consciousness, but a press packet translated from Polish by The Naked Loon appears to indicate that the budget for each night of the show includes over $100,000 worth of live monkeys and laxatives.
Dave Barry: The Musical will open on February 13 in Hannibal, Wisconsin. “Let’s see the critics find that on a map,” said Barry.