Bennett to Sell Team Formerly Known as the Sonics

OKLAHOMA CITY – Oklahoma City SuperSonics owner Clay Bennett announced today that he will sell the NBA team he wrested from Seattle and moved to Oklahoma City just three weeks ago. Bennett said he and his fellow billionaire owners realized after their settlement victory in Seattle that there is one thing they enjoy more than owning a basketball team.

“More than anything we love screwing people over,” a beaming Bennett said. “When we looked down from the 14th floor of the federal courthouse and saw 3,000 Sonics fans holding a rally – helium balloons, dorky signs – to save their team, how could you top that?

“We said, ‘Just think, we could do this to a whole damn state!’ It’s like pissing off your little brother and holding him back from punching you by jamming your hand on his forehead – times 6.5 million,” he said.

Bennett said the ownership group, including oilmen Aubrey McClendon and Tom Ward, previously had planned to announce the sale on the eve of the team’s first game this fall in Oklahoma City. Considering the impact of such a decision, however, the owners hired a public relations firm to conduct a market survey before a final move, he said.

“We asked Oklahomans about when they thought they’d be more ecstatic – now, or at the beginning of the season. You don’t have to be Howard Schultz to guess how that turned out.”

He said the owners plan to issue a sincere apology to Oklahomans later this summer, and then dangle the prospect of the team moving back to Seattle. Those negotiations will last at least two years and include a demand for a $3 billion arena to be built atop Mount Rainier, he said. Selling the team to other potential Oklahoma owners is “out of the question,” Bennett said.

Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett said city hall was deluged today with angry phone calls and e-mails. Earlier this year, Oklahoma City voters approved a $121 million sales tax for the owners, but only if the team moved to Ford Arena.

Bennett said he will file a lawsuit to keep the tax money. He expects city and state officials to offer a settlement rather than endure an “embarrassing and ugly” court fight that would smear Oklahoma City, he said.

Cornett confirmed Bennett is likely to get his way.

“We’re a red state, and we believe in two things: Jesus, and the blessings He bestows in the form of negotiable U.S. currency,” he said. “Jesus richly anointed Clay, Aubrey and Tom to lead us, and we’re certainly not about to betray Jesus.”

About the Author

John Parker
Naked Loon Freshman Correspondent

8 Comments on "Bennett to Sell Team Formerly Known as the Sonics"

  1. OKCHawk | 2008-07-22 at 4:05 PM |

    Feel better now? Typical Seattle garbage and totally pathetic. Seattle seems to full of little people with smaller minds.

  2. Sonicsby5 | 2008-07-22 at 5:41 PM |

    Somewhere deep down the Oklahomans know this article speaks the truth about Clay and Aubrey. They’re transparent liars, top to bottom. Unfortunately lies and money always win. They’ll screw ya’ll too, just watch.

  3. whowantstoknow | 2008-07-22 at 7:29 PM |

    Seattle had a basketball team?

  4. Jack LeCerveau | 2008-07-23 at 6:24 AM |

    Governor Gargoyle sent a private message of congratulations to Mr. Bennett today, thanking him for finally ridding the City of Seattle of those awful basketball players and fans. Gargoyle is known to be convinced that people attending these games were producing millions of tons of carbon dioxide, contributing to ‘global warming’.
    She attacked Dino Rossi today as a incurable fan of ‘contact sports’, which Gargoyle believes should be eliminated as a part of American life.

  5. Fake news? Maybe just future news. :)

  6. DakkaDakka | 2008-08-02 at 9:05 AM |

    I don’t know what’s more funnier, some of the parts in the story, the fact it’s business and they can do whatever they want with it, there isnt a big stink when a company moves sever factories overseas and screws over hardworking workers, but “Oh no our baskettball team is moving!11!” I also like the redstate comment, oh so many people of little minds HAVE to always bring up some sort of politics.

    The day when the left and right stop pushing their belifes and ways of life on others will be a great day, ah to never have to listen to liberal nonsense and conservative over protectiveness.

  7. The NBA is dead to me for allowing this to happen. I’m never watching another game.

  8. I think OKCHawk’s comment was the most pathetic part.

    The Sonics did SUCK though. still, Bennet is probably the devil for what he did. *shrug*

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