Question the Kostyra: Handling an Overbearing Mother?

Today The Naked Loon is proud to introduce our very own advice column “Question the Kostyra,” in which Naked Loon Living Editor Martha Kostyra will answer your questions about life, relationships, and which espresso stand is most deserving of your valuable patronage.

If you have a question for Martha, just fill out our handy contact form to drop her a line. Today Martha dishes out her wisdom to a pair of distressed Seattle-area readers.

United Nations Resolution Declares End of Financial Crisis

At the conclusion of a specially-convened 48-hour summit this weekend, the United Nations narrowly passed a resolution declaring an official end to the worldwide economic crisis.

The resolution states that if the complete and utter collapse of the world economy refuses to cease all its financial destruction programs and allow UN inspectors to verify the termination thereof, it runs the risk of bearing the full brunt of further resolutions.

The Naked Loon Reviews: Sitting at Home Alone

Every week, tens of thousands of Seattleites find themselves facing a familiar situation: the weekend is fast-approaching, and they have absolutely no plans due to an unfortunate combination of social anxiety disorders, crippling agoraphobia, and a complete lack of spending money thanks to “the economy.”

For those readers considering turning yet again to the old standby “sitting at home alone,” here’s a look at what you have to look forward to.

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Hearst Chairman Eyes P-I HQ as Personal Residence

Friday’s news that the Hearst Corporation will cease all printing operations at the Seattle P-I if a buyer for the paper is not found within 60 days shocked journalism enthusiasts across the Puget Sound.

While some crazy rumors have circulated that the impending closure is due to the fact that the paper has been bleeding money for years, The Naked Loon has obtained an exclusive interview with a high-ranking Hearst executive who reveals the real reason for the sale.

Contract Breached, State Republicans Sue Cloud Seeders

Washington State Republicans filed suit in Superior Court Monday against an advanced weather-control laboratory, alleging that the cloud-seeders’ promised snow storm arrived in western Washington nearly six weeks too late.

According to court documents, the WSRP contacted Spokane-based Storm Science, Inc. in April, contracting their services to generate a “winter storm of epic proportions…”

RIAA Enforcers Take Down Unauthorized Christmas Cyclist

Enforcement agents from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) put a sudden and decisive stop to a flagrant violation of intellectual property rights in the Bothell area on Tuesday.

The RIAA legal department—which makes up 97% of the organization—learned of the notorious “Northshore Christmas Biker” thanks to a tip from Citizen Rain, a Seattle-area community blog operated by KING 5 Television.

Disney Launches Naughty Toddlers Scared Straight Service

In a press release Thursday, The Walt Disney Company announced the launch of a new “scared straight” service for naughty toddlers that will debut in seven markets across the country, including Seattle.

“Our proactive and highly efficient business model bypasses the usual parental notifications,” said the statement from Disney’s corporate office. “We locate misbehaving children, scare them straight, and then bill the parents afterward.”

Bizarre Weather System to Slam Washington this Winter

Meteorologists at the University of Washington issued a warning to Pacific Northwest residents Wednesday for an extreme weather system this winter.

“We have recently weathered both El Niño and her little sister La Niña,” said UW meteorologist Stan Cooper. But the danger looming on the horizon is far worse. “Citizens should prepare for the worst this winter as Basura Blanca, El Niño’s drunken neighbor, hits the Northwest in full force.”

The Naked Loon Reviews: New Xbox Experience

After months of hype and non-stop gamer salivation, Redmond-based software giant and Puget Sound economic savior Microsoft released their New Xbox Experience (NXE) Wednesday.

Inquiring minds want to know: is NXE deserving of all the excitement? Will NXE solve all your problems and do the laundry for you? Should every single person rush out right now to buy two, three, or even fifty-eight Xbox 360s in order to fully experience this shiny new Xbox update?

What Are We Waiting For, Let’s Kick Off 2012 Already!

Is it just me, or is it boring in here? I mean, ever since Election Day, life has been so… bland.

It’s almost like nobody even cares anymore about how evil the Republicans are. Where are the heated discussions about all the freedoms the Republicans have stolen from us? Where are the echo chambers where I can meet with other self-righteous liberal zealots to sing the unbridled praises of Obama?

Local Flooding Bewilders Weather Scientists

As flood waters began to recede Thursday on the Snoqualmie and Tolt rivers in east King County, baffled scientists are attempting to understand the strange unpredictable phenomenon that caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage to area residents.

Dozens of homes, businesses, and roads were flooded this week in what scientists describe as “a bizarre and incredibly unlikely combination of events.”

Fannie, Freddie Boost Efforts to Minimize Responsibility

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the walking-dead government-owned mortgage-finance companies, announced Tuesday that they will accelerate their anti-responsibility efforts with a new accountability elimination program designed to cut financial obligations for struggling debtors.

The mortgage giants will target loans in which borrowers have given up paying back their mortgages for three months or more and have debt obligations that exceed fifty percent of their monthly income.