Boeing Engineer Bests Personal Castle Defense Record

As striking machinists returned to work on Monday, Renton-based Boeing engineer Mark Waring took a celebratory day off, to reward himself for achieving a major life goal: finally reaching level 50 in the web-based game Defend Your Castle.

After many hours of intense labor throughout the machinists’ strike, Waring finally was able to break past level 42, which had been the furthest level he had been able to achieve in the previous three hundred games.

Fed Cuts Rate to 1% to Ensure Prolonged Recession

In a panicked move Wednesday, the Federal Reserve cut its benchmark interest rate by half a percentage point to one percent, guaranteeing the worst U.S. economic downturn in the postwar era, if not the worst of all time.

“Recent policy actions, including today’s rate reduction, should help to amplify the downside risks to growth which remain,” said the Federal Open Market Committee in yesterday’s statement.

Weird Al Arrested in Illegal Chinchilla Breeding Sting

Police in Sultan arrested world-famous polka star “Weird” Al Yankovic on Monday, charging him with seven counts of illegal chinchilla breeding and four counts of aiding and abetting copious concealed chinchilla copulation.

“This is probably the most disturbing crime I’ve had to deal with in my entire career,” said Sultan’s Interim Police Chief Rick Hawkins. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to scrub the image from my brain.”

Google to Seattle: Seriously Guys, Drop Dead

In a hand-written note wrapped around a brick thrown through a Seattle City Hall window, San Francisco-based Google Inc. reiterated its position Wednesday that they will “never, ever, not in a thousand million years be bringing Street View to Seattle.”

The message from the internet giant cleared up confusion among Seattle residents, a number of whom reported spotting Google Street View cars roaming area streets over four months ago…

Local Shoe Company Unveils Ultimate Gimmick Shoe

Tacoma-based shoe company Wear the Foot issued a press release Tuesday announcing the latest breakthrough in high-tech shoe wizardry: the Pump-Light-Rolly shoe.

“We’re proud to be the first and only shoe company in the world to offer the advanced breakthroughs of pump technology, light-up soles, and wheeled heels in a single shoe,” CEO Howard Spitzer was quoted as saying in the release.

Deprivation and Despair Overwhelm Seattle

The growing worldwide economic crisis has finally hit home, as residents across the Puget Sound are taking unprecedented measures to make it through these tough times. The Naked Loon performed a series of man on the street interviews with regular folks about how they are coping with financial despair.

What follows are unedited excerpts of these heart-wrenching personal tales.

Schadenfreude Means Big Money for Local Musician

As the stock market continues its historic plunge, one local musician is making literally tens of dollars on an original hit song: Wall Street Inferno.

Ballard resident Michael Locowitz generally spends his days trolling various internet message boards, arguing heatedly about the latest headlines. However, internet arguments had to take a back seat when inspiration struck as Locowitz watched the stock market tumble last week.

What This Family Needs is a $700K Emergency Loan

I think it’s time this we sat down for a little talk about family finances. Billy, Judy, Cindy… come on into the living room with your mother and I. We need to have a serious discussion about the present crisis this family is facing, and work together to find a way out of this mess.

Sure, we could sit around all day and argue the petty details, like whether or not it was a good idea to spend $600,000 on a 4-bedroom rambler in Renton…

Deadly Butt-Cheek Disease Thwarted by Paper Seat Cover

PIKE PLACE MARKET, SEATTLE – A deadly strain of Hinternoccoci bacteria was soundly thwarted in its attempt to spread from a public toilet seat to the butt-cheek of area man Todd Stanley Tuesday.

Before taking his seat on the public toilet, Stanley carefully removed a paper toilet seat cover from the “Health Guard” dispenser in the stall, placing it squarely on the communal throne.

Ford Announces Huge Truck Sale for Ike Victims

As Hurricane Ike sweeps through southeast Texas leaving a trail of devastation in its wake, Ford Motor Co. has announced an exciting new vehicle promotion available exclusively to hurricane-affected areas.

“For many Texas families, the massive destruction of Hurricane Ike has wiped out everything: their homes, their pets, and—most importantly—their pickup trucks,” says a new Ford TV ad already being broadcast across Texas Saturday. “Announcing the Ford Super Ike Disaster Recovery Sale.”

Local Filmmaker Smooshes Ant, Creates Indie Film

A groundbreaking independent film screening this weekend in Seattle takes an insightful, entertaining, and totally original look into the mind of nature’s most overlooked insect: the ant.

Local filmmaker Andy Todd’s new film, Ant: The Awakening, will premier Saturday to an audience of pretentious indie-film-enthusiasts at the Jewel Box Theater in Belltown.

Gahh, I Hate Being Wrong!

You know what I hate? I hate being wrong! Wait, did I say wrong? Scratch that, I am never wrong.

I just hate it when someone confronts me and tries to get me to back up my views with so-called logic and reason. Listen, people—I do not base my beliefs on actual “logical thought” or “rational thinking,” okay? Do I look like some sort of college professor or something? Sheesh.

I do not so much use reason to come to my beliefs, as raw emotion

Better Living Through Parakeet

We sat down with FLAX, our expert parakeet consultant, who was gracious enough to share with us some of the life wisdom he has learned.

FLAX on enjoying the weekend:

Hrello hrello hrello. Tweet! Prerty bird, prerty bird. Tweet tweet tweet, tweet-tweet tweet. Hrello, cracker! Chirp tweet tweet chirpity chirp.

Stocks Slide on Stock Sliding Worries

Crestfallen investors sent stocks tumbling Thursday, pushing the Dow Jones Industrials down over 340 points after shareholders and depositors continued the sell-off that began late last year, devastating hopes for a late-year recovery.

The market was already nervous as it waited for the government to release its August fall fashions report on Friday. So news from the nation’s financial centers that shareholders curtailed their buying last month due to a lower stock prices came as a heavy blow.