City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

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Deprivation and Despair Overwhelm Seattle

The growing worldwide economic crisis has finally hit home, as residents across the Puget Sound are taking unprecedented measures to make it through these tough times. The Naked Loon performed a series of man on the street interviews with regular folks about how they are coping with financial despair.

What follows are unedited excerpts of these heart-wrenching personal tales.

Budding Journalist Aspires to One Day be Laid Off by Seattle Times

Just two years out of college, 28-year-old journalist Joshua Licks has big dreams for the future. Currently a reporter for the Bothell / Kenmore Reporter, a small local paper delivered weekly to about 15,000 homes, Licks dreams of one day landing a job at The Seattle Times, where he will subsequently be laid off due to the paper’s continually declining circulation and ad revenue.

“It’s every journalism student’s dream to make it to one of the slowly dying big dailies,” said Licks. “Hopefully, if I write enough interesting, hard-hitting pieces, I’ll eventually be good enough to get hired, and soon thereafter fired by the Seattle Times.”

Councilmembers Spent Taxpayer Money on Ethics Fines, Bun-n-Thigh Rollers, Nigerian Scams, and More

Seattle City Councilman Richard McIver has been caught in an embarrassing situation after taking advantage of a legal loophole in city code to pay a $1,000 ethics fine with taxpayer money, but McIver’s ethics fine is just the tip of the iceberg, according to an in-depth investigative report.

City records obtained by The Naked Loon indicate that city council members have been dipping into taxpayer funds to pay for everything from Botox pedicures to servant monkeys—and it’s all totally legal.

Medina Resident has More Money than You

Matt Johnson has a lot of money. More importantly, he has more money than you. We caught up with Matt for a little chat about the burdens of wealth:

Naked Loon: A lot of people envy you for your three Saleen S7s, your fashionable clothing, and your endless supply of spending money. What would you like to say to these people?

Matt: (Sighing – rubs forehead) I just can’t deal with these people. They just don’t understand what I have to deal with. Granted, I have more money—a lot more. I mean, you could work your white collar desk job at Microsoft for a lifetime just to make as much money as I spent on lunches last week. But having more money means I also have more worries.

Attractive Statue Honoring Deserving Local Icons Bewilders Fremont Residents

The unveiling of an exquisitely-crafted bronze statue honoring a pair of admirable local stars triggered widespread panic and confusion among residents of Seattle’s Fremont neighborhood Sunday afternoon.

The superb level of detail and craftsmanship in the statue titled “Late for the Interurban” mystified residents, accustomed to crude concrete depictions found in such local treasures as the Fremont Troll and “Waiting for the Interurban.”

The deserving nature of the local heroes now enshrined in bronze also served to upset and bewilder the locals. Home to a contentious statue of communist leader Vladimir Lenin, Fremont has long maintained a sense of community pride in its ability to embrace art that would ordinarily cause any self-respecting American throw up a little in their mouth.