Citing an “economic booby trap of elephantine proportions,” President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective “stimulus” bill as quickly as possible.
In response to the very utterance of the world’s favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.
“Whether or not we act swiftly and boldly, most experts now believe that we will lose millions of jobs next year,” said Obama, who is preparing to oversee a smooth transition in the nation’s economy from “panic crash” mode to “total desolation.”
According to Obama, no amount of money is too large for the federal government to throw into the beleaguered economy in a fruitless attempt to repair decades of societal credit addiction and reckless spending.
As a sign of his willingness to continue on the path of futile bailouts, Obama announced his pick for Treasury Secretary on Friday—Timothy Geithner, who oversaw the fruitless and colossally expensive bailouts of Bear Stearns, Lehman, and AIG as President of the NY Fed.
“The last thing we need right now is transparency in financial corporation balance sheets,” said Obama. “I’m confident that Mr. Geithner will continue to do everything in his power to pour as many trillions of dollars as we can into insolvent institutions across the nation and even the world.”
Obama offered scant details about the economic stimulus measure he wants from the new Congress, saying he will be consulting with his team of advisers to devise a plan that spends the maximum possible amount of money to achieve the least amount of accountability.
“The economy is likely to get worse before it gets better. I mean like, a lot worse. Like, knife fights in bread lines, families putting their toddlers to work 60 hour work weeks to pay the electric bill, dogs and cats living together… that sort of thing,” Obama said. At the same time, he coupled those sentiments with optimism. “I know we can work our way out of this crisis because we have done it before. It’s called the Great Depression. Look it up. Fun times.”
Vastly outnumbered House Republicans expressed hope that the new administration will listen to those who do not believe increasing government spending is the best way to put our economy back on track.
“Hah! That’s a good one,” said Obama. “Seriously though, I’m not really sure why those guys even plan to bother showing up in DC after January 20.”