As brutally low temperatures and relentless treacherous snowfall beat down on the Puget Sound for the sixth consecutive day Thursday, weather soothsayers prophesied a sustained assault on the Northwest with icy blasts and perilous precipitation continuing into next week.

According to local officials the Dismal December Discharge of Aught-Eight has already resulted in three trillion dollars in lost productivity in the city of Seattle alone.

Department of Transportation officials report that over 97% of local highways and roads are impassable as a result of the vicious blizzard, and recommend that residents not venture outdoors unless absolutely, positively, life-or-death necessary.

“This is serious business,” said Mayor Nickels in a live webcast from his Seattle home. “In spite of the terrible sense of impending doom that has blanketed our region, I urge Seattle residents to remain calm. I’d say the chance of survival for most citizens is… eighty percent. Seventy-five, eighty. ”

The National Weather Service issued extended its winter death blast alert on Thursday, calling for a “big blizzard thing” to pummel the region with renewed vigor over the weekend.

“It’s cold out there today,” read the warning. “It’s cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach? Not hardly.”

Recommended activities during the persistent arctic onslaught include huddling in the fetal position under your bed sheets, posting panicked comments on blogs and newspaper websites, and weeping softly as you stare out the window at the terrifying frozen tundra.

About the Author

Frigyes Karinthy
Naked Loon Neighborhood Correspondent

9 Comments on "WILL IT NEVER END?!?"

  1. Rachel C | 2008-12-19 at 1:45 PM |

    You guys need to stop whining – at least you HAVE snow! :(

  2. Most of us chose to live here because of the lack of extreme weather conditions….we’ll whine if we want to….where would you like the snow shipped that’s keeping me from getting to work?


  4. will from WA | 2008-12-20 at 10:46 PM |

    I CHOOSE to live here because of the remnant of my family…

    But DAMN this is way too much snow for my taste.

    I honestly can’t remember this much snow in WA. I have lived here for 37 years.

  5. This makes me keel over laughing. And yeah, considering we get MAYBE 3 inches yearly in Seattle, and now we’ve gotten about 9 over the course of a single week…. Rather then satire this article probably does accurately reflect the mood here right now. sorta.

  6. Kedamono | 2008-12-22 at 1:24 PM |

    Time for the “Well I grew up in [pick northern state] and this kind of snow was nothing.” post. Except that in those northern states, like Wisconsin, Michigan, New York, etc. are prepared for this kind of weather. Buses have snow tires, people put snow tires on their vehicles, they expect there to be snow and lots of it.

    The Puget Sound area is not set up to handle this much snow in such a short time. Not when for the most part we get rain for winter, not snow. So cut us some slack will ya?

  7. Bemused Boomer | 2008-12-22 at 9:37 PM |

    I’m so glad to hear that weeping softly at the window is a recommended activity, since I’ve been doing it for three days, now. And the weather guy is on TV right now saying more snow is coming. Noooooo!

    Has anyone seen my dog? He’s only 10″ tall and there’s 2-1/2 feet of @#$% snow in my yard. No wonder people in Minnesota and Alaska only have big dogs!

  8. Nathan Fluger | 2008-12-29 at 3:18 PM |

    Nice Groundhog day reference.

  9. does the monetary losses include the ‘millions’ in parking fines that went uncollected?

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