As brutally low temperatures and relentless treacherous snowfall beat down on the Puget Sound for the sixth consecutive day Thursday, weather soothsayers prophesied a sustained assault on the Northwest with icy blasts and perilous precipitation continuing into next week.
According to local officials the Dismal December Discharge of Aught-Eight has already resulted in three trillion dollars in lost productivity in the city of Seattle alone.
Department of Transportation officials report that over 97% of local highways and roads are impassable as a result of the vicious blizzard, and recommend that residents not venture outdoors unless absolutely, positively, life-or-death necessary.
“This is serious business,” said Mayor Nickels in a live webcast from his Seattle home. “In spite of the terrible sense of impending doom that has blanketed our region, I urge Seattle residents to remain calm. I’d say the chance of survival for most citizens is… eighty percent. Seventy-five, eighty. ”
The National Weather Service issued extended its winter death blast alert on Thursday, calling for a “big blizzard thing” to pummel the region with renewed vigor over the weekend.
“It’s cold out there today,” read the warning. “It’s cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach? Not hardly.”
Recommended activities during the persistent arctic onslaught include huddling in the fetal position under your bed sheets, posting panicked comments on blogs and newspaper websites, and weeping softly as you stare out the window at the terrifying frozen tundra.