Keep Your Neighborhood in Super-Great Tip-Top Awesome Condition

We all want an awesome place to live. We want a super-posh home in a ridiculously affluent neighborhood that feels popular and sheltered; and most of all, we all want to live in a sterile, plague-free, and ultra-sexy community. Please take a moment to think about the following.

How “fly” is your neighborhood?
Take a look around – is your neighborhood in such mind-blowingly amazing shape that it is the envy of the nation? Or is it looking like a shabby, dilapidated, plague-ridden dump-heap?

How about your own property – does it look sweet enough to send the neighbors into a jealous rage?
What’s your “curb appeal”? Literally go and stand on the curb and look at your house. Does the sight of your house inspire a deep, abiding sense of self-importance and smug satisfaction? Is your house so undeniably attractive that a part of you wishes that you could somehow actually make love to your house?

If you had to sell your house today, would buyers be lining up around the block just for a chance to bury you with buckets of money? Or does your home, street, or neighborhood resemble the gaping maw of Hades, causing prospective buyers to flee the overwhelming stench of death and decay?

Tips for perfecting neighborhood appearance

  • Clean up your yard and carport by removing from public view any items which may constitute a nuisance: steaming piles of animal feces, burnt-out shells of long-dead automobiles, rotting pet corpses, large shards of glass and steel spikes, broken appliance “forts,” buckets of wild animal entrails, etc.
  • Remove inoperable vehicles including: WW2 tanks, melted Big Wheels, Moller Merlin skycars, and RVs that are extensively damaged, with grass growing on top, toilets that have exploded, foul “murals” painted on the sides, or riddled with bullet holes.
  • Pull up the thistles, blackberries, and scotch broom consuming the yard and plant a lawn. Consider removing the massive blood-stained stone altar and planting a nice hedge or two.
  • Offer a helping hand: if you know a neighbor that would benefit from your assistance, ask if they would like help. You don’t have to actually help them, but at least try to seem disappointed as you make up an excuse.
  • Properly dispose of household hazardous waste. Call 206-296-4692 for information about goat’s blood, sarin gas, face-melting acid, etc.
  • Dispose of unwanted items by unloading them on the vulturous leeches on Craigslist, dumping them on the neighbor’s front lawn while they’re away at work, or abandoning them at an unsuspecting non-profit agency for a ridiculous tax write-off.

These are just a few simple things we can all do to improve the awe-inspiring sexy appeal of our neighborhoods. Let’s work together to make Heaven on Earth here in the Puget Sound.

About the Author

Martha Kostyra
Naked Loon Living Editor

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