Violent Crime in Tacoma Sees Dramatic One Percent Drop

Law enforcement officials in Tacoma are ecstatic over an unprecedented one percent drop in the latest violent crime statistics.

It is important to note that although the announcement from the Sheriff’s Office implies that Tacoma’s violent crime rate declined by one percent, in actuality it was the rate of increase in violent crime that decreased by one percent—from a 9% year-to-year increase in September 2007 to an 8% increase in September 2008.

This is still considered a major accomplishment by Tacoma law enforcement.

Pierce County Sheriff Paul Pastor elaborated on the success, saying “given the twenty percent rise in mental illness, the thirty percent decrease in overall intelligence, and the eighteen percent decline in incomes, an eight percent increase in violent crime is a lot better than we could have hoped for.”

With only seventy-two stabbings, two hundred and eighteen shootings, and thirty-three spontaneous kicks in the groin so far in 2008, Tacoma is rated in the top ninety-three percent of the safest cities in America. Credit for this accomplishment goes to Tacoma’s stalwart law enforcement officers for their continued efforts to slow the rapid growth of violence in the city and surrounding neighborhoods.

Sheriff Pastor attributed the drop to the aggressive use of video games to train police officers to go after gang members more aggressively.

“We had a team of computer consultants take one of those Zombie games and change the graphics so that all the Zombies look like gang members,” said Sheriff Pastor. “The gang members keep coming, and our officers are trained to blow them away on sight.”

The training has had a huge impact on the effectiveness of Tacoma law enforcement.

“Once upon a time, an officer on patrol might see a potential drug deal going down, and file a report for a narcotics officer to follow up on,” explained the Sheriff. “Now, our boys in blue just open fire on anyone who looks remotely like a gang-banger.”

In a concurrent press release, the Sheriff’s office also advised law-abiding Tacoma-area citizens that they avoid “wearing hooded sweatshirts, showing off lots of jewelry, sporting tattoos, or having any sort of ethnicity.”

Naked Loon reporter Jaime Rodriguez also contributed to this story.