Seattle city officials held a progress review meeting today to update the city’s civil defense preparations. The meeting was hastily ordered by Mayor Nickels after a city clerk discovered an obscure city code dating back to the 50s that requires the city to update its civil defense plans and distribute updated materials to the public every ten years. Seattle has not updated its civil defense plans since 1951.
The city’s outdated 1950s civil defense plans centered on two primarily subjects:
- futile efforts citizens can take to minimize their injuries in the case of an atomic attack on Seattle
- important tips to help citizens keep alert of subversive communist activities
Today’s meeting resulted in a set of plans updated for the new threats of the modern era. The updated plan focuses on:
- futile efforts citizens can take to minimize their injuries in the case of a biological, chemical, or IED attack on Seattle
- important tips to help citizens keep alert of subversive terrorist activities
Other changes to the civil defense materials include updates to lists of subversive organizations and replacing detailed explanations of death by atom bomb with comprehensive descriptions of death by chemical or biological attack.
“We’re pretty proud of what we were able to produce on such a short notice,” said Mayor Nickels, who explained that updated civil defense pamphlets and books will be available to Seattle residents as early as next week.
Little did the Mayor or city council know, the long-overdue update was just the opportunity that local communist groups were waiting for.
Representatives for long-dormant subversive organizations such as the Seattle Labor School and the Washington Commonwealth Federation were thrilled with the news, and announced plans to revive their communist plots immediately.
“It has finally been long enough since the red-scares of the 50’s that I think we can openly pursue our anti-American agenda without fear of retribution,” said Fyodor Daschbach, a metal worker at Boeing that publishes an underground communist blog in his spare time. His father John Daschbach was a filthy communist teacher at the Seattle Labor School in the 1950s.
“People are so focused on terrorism right now that they won’t see the Communist revolution coming until it is too late,” added John Jones, a senior officer with the Washington Commonwealth Federation.
City officials dismissed any possible threat from communist groups as laughable. “In practice, Seattle is essentially communist already,” said Nickels, “so what could they possibly be fighting for?”
Naked Loon reporter Jaime Rodriguez also contributed to this story.