Coca-Cola to Test New Coke Nega in Seattle

Atlanta-based Coca-Cola Company announced Monday that it will begin testing of a new soft drink in five markets across the United States, including Seattle. Dubbed Coke Nega, the new offering is “110% calorie, caffeine, carb, and taste-free,” according the company.

“The soft drink-buying public’s reception of Coke Zero since its introduction in 2005 has been phenomenal,” said Coca-Cola spokesman Rob Morton. “But we told our beverage engineers that people hated it and were rioting on the streets calling for their heads, so they have been working non-stop since then to come up with the next great Coke.”

Seattle was chosen for the test after a visiting Coca-Cola executive overheard someone in an area grocery store comment that “if they came out with something like Coke Zero, but even zero-ier, I could really get excited about that.”

“We really feel that the Seattle market will be a good test for Coke Nega,” said Morton. “Seattle’s extremely anti-social climate will allow us to determine how well the product can do without any word-of-mouth advertising,” he explained.

Coca-Cola has reportedly spent $5 million on their upcoming Seattle marketing campaign for Coke Nega. Slogans that will soon blanket Puget Sound billboards, buses, and panhandlers’ handwritten cardboard signs include: “Coke Nega: Like Drinking Nothing” and “Coke Nega: Probably better than an electric shock to the groin.”

“The name ‘Coke Nega’ comes from the fact that the drink is actually infused with negative calories,” explained Morton. “Drinking Coke Nega is like un-drinking other soft drinks.”

Coke Nega will be sold at grocery stores and mini-marts from September through May of next year in Seattle, Minneapolis, Duluth, Miami, and Anchorage. Coke Nega should not be consumed by women that are pregnant or nursing, children under the age of fifteen and a half, or individuals with a body mass index less than thirty.

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Björn Maximus
Naked Loon Business Reporter

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