Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows

Despite having pulled off a rare loss in a nationwide sea electoral victories for Democrats in 2006, 8th District Democrat Darcy Burner retains a foolish sense of optimism about her prospects of winning in this year’s rematch with Congressman Dave Reichert.

Losing by 7,341 votes in 2006, Burner has spent every waking moment since the election certification meeting one-on-one with 8th district voters who selected Reichert, trying desperately to convince them that her years as a middle manager at Microsoft qualify her to work in the US Congress.

“We only need to get three thousand, six hundred and seventy-one people to change their minds,” said Burner at a recent fundraising picnic. “We may not appear to be in a better position to win this year than we were in 2006, but surely we can convince just three thousand, six hundred and seventy-one people that a law school dropout should represent their district, right?”

With George Bush on his way out of office, the political landscape of 2008 does not lend itself to the easy anti-Bush strategies of yesteryear. “We all wish we could still run against George Bush,” said Burner, referring to other Democrats around the country.

Burner brings a number of strong advantages to the table in 2008 that she did not have in 2006. Her experience as a political hopeful has now topped three years, which is over three times as extensive as it was in 2006. She also sees her 2006 loss as a strong advantage for her 2008 campaign. “The Democrat majority in congress has as yet failed to end the war in Iraq,” said Burner, “but when I am elected I will single-handedly bring our troops home and end the imperialistic oppression of the Iraqi people.”

Burner’s strategy for the remaining five months until the election will primarily involve running ads in which she repeats the word “Iraq” as many times as possible in thirty seconds. Other themes that will occasionally be thrown into the mix include rainbows, puppies, and lots of happy smiling people.

Ultimately, much of Burner’s hope in 2008 comes from running on the same ticket as political superhero Barack Obama, who according to recent polls has already won the hearts of 105% of likely voters in Washington State.

“I figure if I can smile at least half as much as Barack and maybe even get him to pose with me for a couple pictures, victory is virtually guaranteed,” said Burner. “Also, don’t forget: Iraq, Iraq, Iraq.”

About the Author

Ash Grimm
Naked Loon Political Reporter

11 Comments on "Burner Campaign Runs on Blind Optimism and Rainbows"

  1. this was not even remotely humorous.

  2. Larry, perhaps you would enjoy this one a little more: Republicans with No Hope Make Pointless Run for Office

  3. Fred Sylla | 2008-06-11 at 1:24 PM |

    Good God!

    darcydimwit do NOT come to my house.

  4. Ulysses | 2008-06-11 at 2:41 PM |

    Actually, I consider it remotely humorous, even though I’ve never heard of Darcy Burner before.

  5. I had forgotten all about her until today; it was humorous.

  6. Bob Snakely | 2008-06-14 at 2:28 AM |

    She is as brain dead and nuts at the low IQ’d Patty Murray and her ‘global warming’ crackpots. Wow! She is going to run through a lot of money to lose.

  7. Jay Tyzer | 2008-07-08 at 10:49 AM |

    Darcy Burner has a lot to offer this district. If you’ve never heard of her, you’re an apathetic person who has no place commenting on things you don’t know anything about. Go read a newspaper.

  8. Mr RcGuy | 2008-09-12 at 10:46 AM |

    Jan: Wow. That’s all I have to say. Have you read Burner’s positions? Her woefully inadequate knowledge of tax code? Of how a budget works? Of where the money she wants to spend comes from. Anything at all? I know a couple of female managers at Microsoft that really liked her but even they aren’t voting for her. Being likable is not the same thing as actually being able to do the job. Please, please, please realize this before you vote.

  9. Obviously Jay hasn’t. But some people just can’t accept that the republican candidate could possibly be more qualified.

  10. When has that ever been a consideration for Republican candidates? ‘Sure worked for McCain in 2000.

  11. Jennifer | 2008-09-28 at 1:42 PM |

    A friend of mine met her at a fund raiser for Governor Gregoire and she was as engaging as a stick of wood. Her son actually apparently had never seen nylons before and was running his hand up her legs and Darcy just shrugged and apologized. I guess that is what happens when your stay at home husband is raising your only child. Neither one of them work now and he is what about 14 years older

    Remember this kids who used to be the AV specialists in junior high school? That is this girl. Nerdy but not particularly bright and oddly enough she actually thinks that people are elected to implement their own ideas versus representing the district.

    The sad thing is that I am actually a Dem and we should win this district but no one in the party will tell Darcy that she simply isn’t qualified. We let her go from Microsoft (she got the job because her husband worked there) for a reason and she only lasted lest then a semester at Law school as well. She is sort of a mini Cantwell and even she doesn’t seem very impressed with her. At least Cantwell actually was a State legislature first and made her own wealth at Real Networks unlike Bubbling Darcy Burner. I do feel sorry for her and it was sad but not surprising that her son set his room on fire by accident though.

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