Paulson to Congress: You’re Mine Now, Suckas

Emboldened by the swift passage of his $700 billion Emergency Economic Stabilization Act, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson went before Congress on Monday to introduce a series of sweeping new bills that, when passed, will effectively declare Paulson to be the ultimate ruler of the universe for all time.

“I didn’t really think I could do it,” said Paulson, referring to the rapid passage of the $700 billion Wall Street bailout. “I only tried because [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke bet me a few million that Congress would never fall for it.  That Bernanke.  He’s so crazy.”

Now that it is clear how readily congress will fold to vague economic threats, Paulson intends to “figure out just how much more I can get away with.”

“In my next bill to save us all, I require the construction of a 150-foot gold—no wait, platinum—statue of myself wearing a cape, which will be placed on the National Mall,” said Paulson. “Every member of Congress must pray to this graven image before and after every session, or THE ECONOMY WILL BE DESTROYED BEYOND REPAIR.”

As he foisted his crazed urges upon the helpless lawmakers in Washington DC, the former Goldman Sachs CEO made no apologies.

“Now that I know that I have this power, I’m holding the economy hostage to make Congress pass bills that suit my every whim,” explained Paulson. “And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Other provisions in Paulson’s latest series of bills include forty-two 24-hour personal groomers, mandatory viewing of a new dedicated Henry Paulson reality TV network, as well as a clause which grants him the deed to the entire state of Arizona.

“FYI, I’ll be dispensing with my limousine,” said Paulson. “From now on, Nancy Pelosi will be pulling me around Washington DC in a diamond-studded rickshaw.”

Congressional leaders were appalled by Paulson’s demands, but admitted that they have no choice but to give him whatever he asks, no matter how inane.

“When he says that he will annihilate the economy if we don’t give him another three dozen platypus farms, you can see it in those crazy, creepy eyes of his that he means it,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “The American people can be assured that Congress will work together in a bi-partisan fashion to assure that Henry Paulson is completely appeased.”

The House and Senate—to be renamed by the new Paulson bill to “Moria” and “Mordor,” respectively—are expected to unanimously pass the bill in a special all-night session Monday night.

Naked Loon reporter Jaime Rodriguez also contributed to this story.

About the Author

Josh Devena
Naked Loon Ecto-Seattle Correspondent

2 Comments on "Paulson to Congress: You’re Mine Now, Suckas"

  1. Would rather see a well-written satire than all the current sky-is-falling reporting from the mainstream media – who will ALWAYS put everything in the worst light possible, and repeat it over and over and over again. The markets have been worse, and have recovered; they will again. Panic is not the solution, folks.

  2. Another self-declared dictator, ho hum. The ones in South America are more amusing…

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