Lingerie-Clad Baristas Shocked by Sexual Harassment

TOPICS:Headlines

Posted By: Alfred Matthew 2009-04-25

Robot Mariners Extend Perfect Record in 23,145 to 6 Victory Over Sheep-Clone Angels

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*10⁷⁵

Posted By: Addison Berkeley 2009-01-15

Stop Whining and Start Visualizing

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Posted By: Naked Loon Staff 2008-10-07

City of Kirkland Outlaws Layoffs

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

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Nickels: Seattle #1 Bestest City in Universe

WILL IT NEVER END?!?

Burien Emo Still Recovering from Awful Thanksgiving

Snowy Apocalypse Descends Upon Puget Sound

In an unmistakable sign of God’s anger toward the numerous and flagrant sins of the greater Seattle region, a storm of heavy snow and lightning descended upon the area the evening of April 18th.

“Nude bicycle parades, gay newspapers, and an extreme idolization of coffee are all abominations to me,” said The Almighty. “And don’t even get me started on that terrible stank they got going on down in Tacoma.”

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Stocks Slide on Stock Sliding Worries

Crestfallen investors sent stocks tumbling Thursday, pushing the Dow Jones Industrials down over 340 points after shareholders and depositors continued the sell-off that began late last year, devastating hopes for a late-year recovery.

The market was already nervous as it waited for the government to release its August fall fashions report on Friday. So news from the nation’s financial centers that shareholders curtailed their buying last month due to a lower stock prices came as a heavy blow.

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Overheard Outside Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

With it being Memorial Day Weekend, and me having no friends or family to invite me camping, or to a BBQ, or even a t-ball game I spent my weekend lounging around my second home, the Oak Tree Cinemas on Aurora. Since I have yet to receive payment for my contributions around here I couldn’t actually afford to see any movies. But, as I sat in the lobby pretending to play Cruis’n World I was able to overhear the crowds as they left the new “summer” blockbuster Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Here’s what they had to say…

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Long-Spurned WhirlyBall Team Thrilled by NBA Departure

For many Seattle-area residents, the only thing more depressing than the thought of Californian immigration to Washington is organized sports.

The Mariners are floundering at the bottom of the MLB heap, and have never even been to the World Series. The Seahawks lost their one shot at the Super Bowl to a bunch of guys in striped shirts. Rumor has it that the Sonics won the NBA Championship once, but now that the NBA has skipped town, Seattle’s only remaining sports team to have won a national title is the Seattle Storm, our WNBA team. Unfortunately, there are only approximately three people in all of Seattle that care about the WNBA, and this includes the team, their families, and their friends.

In spite of all this, there is still hope for sports fans in the Puget Sound. We need not stoop so low as to feign interest in women’s basketball in order to enjoy the glory of having a winning team. No, we must simply turn our attention to Seattle’s most overlooked and—more importantly—our winningest sport: WhirlyBall.

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Helpful Tips for Tax Time

So it’s April 15th, again, and you’ve put off doing your taxes until the last minute yet again. Well luckily for you, the tireless staff of The Naked Loon is here to make your life easier with a list of useful tips to help you take advantage of every possible sneaky loophole and clever dodge. By following these tips, you can turn tax time into fun time.

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