Headlines

Headlines 2009-04-17

Bremerton to Seattle: “You’re ugly.” Seattle to Bremerton: “Yeah, well you’re poor.”

Headlines

Queen Anne Man Admits: “I kinda miss the snow,” Receives Well- Deserved Gut Punch

Headlines

Elections Director Blatently Violates Election Law, Receives Award

Headlines

Diagnoses of Inauguration Fever Up Ten Thousand Percent

Headlines

Totally Rad Snowfort Finally Melts Completely Away

Headlines 2008-12-23

The Day After Tomorrow Declared Seattle’s Official Movie

Headlines 2008-12-09

Mayor Nickels Breaks Legs in Violent Hippopotomous Encounter

Headlines 2008-12-04

Improper Ribbon Usage #1 Cause of Holiday-Related Deaths

Headlines 2008-11-20

Wedgewood Resident: Tell the Neighbor’s Crazy Psycho Dog to Stop Staring at Me

Headlines 2008-11-18

1 in 5 Headline Writers Use Meaningless Stats to Fill Space

Headlines 2008-11-13

Dept. of Ecology Fines Orca L-pod for Illegal Dumping

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Bennett: “syl seattle lol”

Lawyers for the city of Seattle scored a virtual slam dunk in the city’s trial with Sonics’ ownership on Wednesday.

The turning point came when the city revealed a series of enthusiastic text messages between Clay Bennett and other members of the Professional Basketball Club that confirmed their intent to move the team to Oklahoma City from the beginning.

“omg ok sncs ftw,” declared Bennett in a text sent to co-owner Aubrey McClendon on October 24, 2006, the day the NBA approved the sale of the team.

Desperate for Veteran Bullpen Leadership, Mariners Sign 97-year-old Pitcher

In a desperate effort to gain experienced leadership among their pitching staff, the Mariners have brought on Pappy McFreeson, a 97-year-old relief pitcher.

The Mariners have had difficulty as of late retaining experienced talent in the bullpen, and the move is seen as a clear indication of their commitment to turn that trend around.

Having pitched in the major leagues for sixty-eight years, McFreeson alone has ten times more experience than the rest of the M’s bullpen combined.

Congress Passes Some Bill

Today on Capitol Hill, facing a number of important issues and difficult obstacles, Congress passed legislation aimed at doing something.

Members of the House and Senate voted for the bill, except for those that voted against it. Congressional records show that there were a large number of votes in favor of the bill versus a smaller number of opposing votes in the House, and a similar match-up in the Senate.

Better Living Through Parakeet

We sat down with FLAX, our expert parakeet consultant, who was gracious enough to share with us some of the life wisdom he has learned.

FLAX on enjoying the weekend:

Hrello hrello hrello. Tweet! Prerty bird, prerty bird. Tweet tweet tweet, tweet-tweet tweet. Hrello, cracker! Chirp tweet tweet chirpity chirp.

Disney Launches Naughty Toddlers Scared Straight Service

In a press release Thursday, The Walt Disney Company announced the launch of a new “scared straight” service for naughty toddlers that will debut in seven markets across the country, including Seattle.

“Our proactive and highly efficient business model bypasses the usual parental notifications,” said the statement from Disney’s corporate office. “We locate misbehaving children, scare them straight, and then bill the parents afterward.”

Headlines

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