Headlines

Headlines 2009-04-17

Bremerton to Seattle: “You’re ugly.” Seattle to Bremerton: “Yeah, well you’re poor.”

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Queen Anne Man Admits: “I kinda miss the snow,” Receives Well- Deserved Gut Punch

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Elections Director Blatently Violates Election Law, Receives Award

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Diagnoses of Inauguration Fever Up Ten Thousand Percent

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Totally Rad Snowfort Finally Melts Completely Away

Headlines 2008-12-23

The Day After Tomorrow Declared Seattle’s Official Movie

Headlines 2008-12-09

Mayor Nickels Breaks Legs in Violent Hippopotomous Encounter

Headlines 2008-12-04

Improper Ribbon Usage #1 Cause of Holiday-Related Deaths

Headlines 2008-11-20

Wedgewood Resident: Tell the Neighbor’s Crazy Psycho Dog to Stop Staring at Me

Headlines 2008-11-18

1 in 5 Headline Writers Use Meaningless Stats to Fill Space

Headlines 2008-11-13

Dept. of Ecology Fines Orca L-pod for Illegal Dumping

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Dan Rather Uncovers Martin Luther King Jr. Memo Endorsing Obama by Name

In an exclusive investigative report set to air Friday morning, veteran newsman Dan Rather will reveal a stunning document unearthed from the files of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., in which the late civil rights activist strongly endorses Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

Rather will unveil the document during a special edition of his cable news program Dan Rather Reports on HDNet.

Disney Launches Naughty Toddlers Scared Straight Service

In a press release Thursday, The Walt Disney Company announced the launch of a new “scared straight” service for naughty toddlers that will debut in seven markets across the country, including Seattle.

“Our proactive and highly efficient business model bypasses the usual parental notifications,” said the statement from Disney’s corporate office. “We locate misbehaving children, scare them straight, and then bill the parents afterward.”

Oil Companies: Now is a Great Time to Drive

Hit hard by the double whammy of a faltering economy and falling gas prices, oil companies have launched a nationwide consumer education program extolling the benefits of driving.

Over the next three months the industry plans to spend $50 million attempting to convince the public that “Now is a Great Time to Drive.”

Blackberries: Heck Yeah

If you thought this article was going to be about some boring piece of technology, you’re a nerd. No, I’m not here to talk about cell phones. I’m here to talk about fruit. It’s just about that time of the year again: blackberry season! Yum!

As the most prolific weed west of the Cascades, blackberries can be found all over the Puget Sound. In my professional opinion (I have a Ph.D. in complex berry neuroscience), if you lives around here and pay money to buy blackberries, you are one of three things:

stupid
lazy
a giant wuss

Actually, knowing you, you’re probably all three. Seriously, there is no excuse not to pick your own blackberries. None.

A Greeting Card for Every Anti-Social Situation

Would someone care to explain to me how anyone ever thought that greeting cards were a good idea? To me they come across as a complete waste of space, time, and money. Sending someone a greeting card is like saying:

You are special and important to me, but not so important that I’m willing to tell you so in person, or even call you on the phone. In fact, I’m willing to spend money to avoid having to interact with you directly.

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