Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced an exciting new plan today by the city to relocate the Gorge Amphitheatre from the backward rural central Washington village of George to the glistening progressive urban utopia of Seattle.
“Seattle is the best place in the State of Washington for entertainment,” said Nickels, “so it just makes sense that we should have the state’s best concert venue located here in our fair city.”
The details of the plan are not yet fully worked out, but city leaders will be working with the venue’s owner, the House of Blues, to work out a feasible transition strategy.
Seattle’s city council unanimously approved the Mayor’s plan, and blindly authorized the necessary funding. “It’s about time that Seattle got its own world-class concert venue,” said councilmember Bruce Harrell, “and frankly, we don’t care who we have to trample to get it.”
Since Seattle does not have any natural gorges, the plan to move the venue includes a massive engineering project to dig the world’s first man-made gorge, thus replicating the amphitheatre’s stunning view. The most likely location for the new gorge is through the Duwamish Waterway between the neighborhoods of West Seattle and Georgetown.
“We figure we can excavate a gorge at least as big as the one in George,” said Nickels. “Then we would raze a good portion of Georgetown and essentially replicate the landscaping of the current location.”
Nickels explained that the amphitheatre will be a far better use of the Georgetown land than its current function of housing smelly industrial businesses, dilapidated warehouses, and youth gangs.
Another possible location would be the current location of Gasworks Park. To make this location work as a gorge amphitheatre, a few million tons of dirt would be dumped on top of the existing park, to create a cliff drop-off and rolling hills. (An artist’s conception of the Gasworks location can be seen above.)
Whatever the final location, city leaders agree that moving the amphitheatre to Seattle will be a huge boon to the city. “Hopefully this exciting plan will help divert our city’s attention from the crushing loss of the Sonics,” Nickels said. “What’s that? Nobody really cares about the Sonics? Oh, well then I guess we’re just doing this for the hell of it.”