A Greeting Card for Every Anti-Social Situation

Would someone care to explain to me how anyone ever thought that greeting cards were a good idea? To me they come across as a complete waste of space, time, and money. Sending someone a greeting card is like saying:

You are special and important to me, but not so important that I’m willing to tell you so in person, or even call you on the phone. In fact, I’m willing to spend money to avoid having to interact with you directly.

Of course, if that’s not enough of an insult, you can send an online greeting “card,” which says:

You are special and important to me, but your importance does not even reach the marginal level required for me to send an actual, physical card.

How did such an anti-social practice become a social norm? Why is it that when you give someone a gift, for some reason you are expected to spend another five to ten dollars on a worthless piece of paper with a canned greeting printed on it that will be read once and then thrown away? Why not just attach a little note that includes your name so they know who it’s coming from, then tell them how you feel out loud, in your own words. You know, actually interact with them. Whoa—revolutionary, right?

Let me think… when it’s my birthday, would I rather receive: A) A greeting card or B) A slap in the face with a wet ferret. It’s a tough call, really. I mean, it’s probably asking way too much that my so-called friends and family actually take the time to call or visit me instead of just sending me an impersonal piece of paper they picked up while they were at Target buying batteries for their nosehair trimmer.

And don’t even get me started on “thank you” cards. Whoops, too late! If we’re really thankful for something, why can’t we express that with our voice? Pick up the phone and say “thank you, I really appreciated that thing you did, it meant a lot to me.” Nah, that’s crazy.

I actually once had a relative chew me out because I took too long to send out “thank you” cards. Apparently I can say “thank you,” but it’s just not as believable coming out of my mouth as it is printed on 4″x6″ cardstock with a picture of some flowers.

You have to hand it to Hallmark, though. In less than a hundred years they’ve managed to turn the “spirit of giving” into the spirit of five dollar pre-printed catch phrases.

I would not shed a tear if the entire greeting card industry collapsed tomorrow. In fact, I would probably throw a party.

About the Author

Marty E.
Naked Loon Editor-in-Chief

4 Comments on "A Greeting Card for Every Anti-Social Situation"

  1. Jonathan Gardner | 2008-08-29 at 9:27 AM |

    If you threw a party, how would anyone come if you don’t have invitation cards to hand out, hmmm Mr. Smarty Pants?

  2. Jonathan, you took the words right out of my mouth.

  3. Whatsamattayou | 2008-09-01 at 3:13 PM |

    Which is worse, a greeting card that says, “I’m willing to spend money to avoid having to interact with you directly,” or a really non-heartfelt e-card that says, “I do not care enough to interact with you in any form and especially by not even spending ANY money on you or by even writing you physically! I’ll do it over email and for FREE!”? Now, that’s being very impersonal at its finest!

  4. Ellsworth Toppa | 2012-10-05 at 9:26 AM |

    I always prefer to buy greeting cards that have some automatic playing music. Electronic greeting cards are the best. `”,,`

    Hope This Helps!

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.