I’m a reasonable, tolerant person, but I admit, there are a few things that I do not tolerate:
- coffee beans that are not fair trade and certified organic
- carbon emissions
- the neighbors’ gosh darned cats in my yard
In fact, I’m putting out this official warning right now: Neighbors that do not want pieces of their cats to be individually wrapped and delivered on their doorstep need to keep them the heck out of my yard.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I would personally do your precious pet harm.
I’m just saying that it would sure be a shame if your cat was in the middle of stalking the innocent little birds gathered around my backyard feeder, when suddenly out of nowhere a mysterious remotely-activated trap sprung up from the ground and cleanly separated Mr. Whiskers into four equal parts.
It would also be quite unfortunate if, just after dropping yet another rodent carcass on my back porch, someone accidentally turned on their vintage German WWII Flammenwerfer 35 flamethrower and instantly burned the little kitty to a crisp.
Were you aware that there are over three thousand instances of accidental doorstep dish of milk poisoning each and every year in the US? It’s true. I’m sure you can imagine what would happen to poor Fluffy if she somehow ended up drinking a few gallons of that tainted milk.
You probably don’t want any of these things to happen to your cat. Neither do I, which is why I’m warning you now. The fact is, accidents happen every day, and I don’t think you want to have to explain to little 4-year-old Melissa why Buggles won’t ever be coming home again.
So do us both a favor, and keep your dang cat out of my yard, mmm-kay?
Thanks, I knew we could come to a mutual understanding on this.