SEATTLE, WA—In an unmistakable sign of God’s anger toward the numerous and flagrant sins of the greater Seattle region, a storm of heavy snow and lightning descended upon the area the evening of April 18th.
“Nude bicycle parades, gay newspapers, and an extreme idolization of coffee are all abominations to me,” said The Almighty. “And don’t even get me started on that terrible stank they got going on down in Tacoma.”
The Creator of the Universe put his omniscience to use as he punished the sins of the Seattle-area by taking advantage of our one weakness: an utter inability to function with even trace amounts of snow on the ground.
“Repent,” saith The Lord, “or I shall bring an even more terrible curse upon you: an genuine summer, with three months of cloudless days and blistering temperatures exceeding 90 degrees.”