News Shorts

Jesus Reportedly Primarily Interested in Granting Followers the Easy Life

According to a series of recent radio ads, Jesus Christ—Lord and Savior of all mankind who died on the cross for our sins and was raised again on the third day—is primarily interested in granting His followers the easy life.

“In this fast-paced world,” begins one ad, “it’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important … your life.”

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Bothell Man Experiences Uncharacteristically Safe, Friendly Commute

Throughout the entirety of his 18 mile commute this morning, something just seemed “different” to Bothell commuter Rick Vance, though he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Upon arriving at his workplace in downtown Seattle, it dawned on him: “I didn’t encounter a single rude, oblivious, or otherwise incompetent driver on the road this morning,” he recalled.

Accustomed to frequent altercations…

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Company Revenue Probably About to Expand

In a stand-up meeting at Stanford Sprockets on Friday, company president Bill Brumsfield briefed the staff of 56 on the good news and the bad news of last month’s revenue figures.

“The bad news is that we didn’t meet our projected revenues and we have lost over five hundred thousand dollars this year,” said Brumsfield. “But—the good news is that we’re currently on track to lose less than we did in 2007, and we probably won’t have to file bankruptcy for at least another eighteen months!”

Ford Announces Huge Truck Sale for Ike Victims

As Hurricane Ike sweeps through southeast Texas leaving a trail of devastation in its wake, Ford Motor Co. has announced an exciting new vehicle promotion available exclusively to hurricane-affected areas.

“For many Texas families, the massive destruction of Hurricane Ike has wiped out everything: their homes, their pets, and—most importantly—their pickup trucks,” says a new Ford TV ad already being broadcast across Texas Saturday. “Announcing the Ford Super Ike Disaster Recovery Sale.”

Better Living Through Parakeet

We sat down with FLAX, our expert parakeet consultant, who was gracious enough to share with us some of the life wisdom he has learned.

FLAX on enjoying the weekend:

Hrello hrello hrello. Tweet! Prerty bird, prerty bird. Tweet tweet tweet, tweet-tweet tweet. Hrello, cracker! Chirp tweet tweet chirpity chirp.

State Dept. of Ecology Fines Mt. St. Helens $250 Million

The Washington State Department of Ecology slapped Mount St. Helens with a $250 million fine on Thursday for flagrant and repeated violations of state air quality regulations.

From late 2004 through July this year the 40,000-year-old volcano maintained a daily schedule that included emitting hundreds of tons of sulfur dioxide—a noxious gas that can cause acid rain and breathing problems leading to serious health issues such as death.

Despite Washington industry’s best efforts to maintain the top spot, the scofflaw mountain emitted more of the lung-burning fumes every day throughout its nearly four-year period of recent activity than all of Washington’s industries combined.

New Study Proves the Extreme Benefits of Speeding

A new study released Friday finally proves what most Americans behind the wheel already knew: speeding saves time.

Specifically, speeding was found to save the average American roughly two minutes every day. This number was determined by analyzing vast amounts of data and performing deeply complicated calculations—it definitely was not pulled out of thin air.

The Loon Institute for Calculative Knowledge (LICK)—a highly regarded and definitely not fictitious think tank—conducted the rigorous study of the nation’s drivers…

Absolutely Nothing Happens for 10,000th-Straight Day in Tiny North Dakota Town

The town of Donnybrook, North Dakota was a complete and utter bore today as absolutely nothing happened for the ten-thousandth consecutive day.

There were no crimes, no good deeds, no business deals, no mushy reunions, and no rampaging chimps escaped from the local zoo (there is no zoo) flinging poo on the citizenry.

The last time anything happened in Donnybrook was February 10th, 1981…

New Gregoire Campaign Signs Bite Back

Following a series of reports this week from Puget Sound residents returning from the arid wasteland of Eastern Washington where they witnessed Dino Rossi campaign signs bearing the message “Don’t Let Seattle Steal This Election,” Christine Gregoire has launched a counter-offensive campaign in King County.

Campaign spokesman Aaron Toso explained the move, saying, “Dino Rossi is pure evil. It’s time we brought that message to the people of Seattle.”

Moderately Insane Road Trip Ideas

Let’s talk for a moment about road trips. Sure, gas prices are making all our ears bleed, but why should we let that stop us from making summer road trips?

What is there not to love about a road trip? Spending hours at a time crammed into a high-speed tin can is our kind of fun. Spewing out noxious fumes as we cruse the hills and plains, all the while emptying our wallets as we rack up credit card debt to fill the tank every 300 miles.

The Future: Let’s get on with it already

It is time to admit the obvious. We have failed. It’s the year 2008 and we’re still waiting for the future to arrive.

What the hell, people? Where did we go wrong? Wasn’t the future supposed to be, like, a thousand times cooler than this? How is it that our biggest concerns in today’s society are gas prices and doing daily chores?

How is it that we were able to go all the way to the MOON in 1969, but today the best that a robot servant can do is vacuum floors or clean gutters.

Radio-Controlled Clocks Spy on Boring Happenings of Local Homes

Increasingly inexpensive and popular radio-controlled “atomic” clocks allow us to complete our meaningless daily tasks with a satisfying sense of precision, but according to a Bellevue research lab, they are also secretly broadcasting the inane details of our lives to unknown locations.

According to the researchers, the average Puget Sound household has 4.7 of the spy clocks scattered throughout their home. The secret spy cameras cleverly hidden in the clocks give a front row seat to one or more shadowy organizations every time you dance by in your underwear.

China Declares War on Tectonic Plates

In response to Monday’s devastating earthquake, the People’s Republic of China has declared war on Earth’s tectonic plates.

“Killing over 10,000 of our citizens and destroying our highways, schools, hospitals, and countless homes is clearly an act of war,” said Premier Wen Jiabao. “For too long we have allowed the brutal aggressions of the tectonic plates to go unanswered—no more.”

No Expiration Date on Good Will Toward Area Hungry

In their annual food drive Saturday, Seattle-area letter carriers collected hundreds of thousands of expired and undesirable foods donated by local households.

The food was brought to distribution centers, where it will be sorted and eventually delivered to people that are so hungry they will even happily eat French onion soup dated September 1998.

Common items picked up by the local postal drivers included canned cranberry sauce, kidney and garbanzo beans, and evaporated milk, most commonly having expired between 2003 and 2007…