In response to Monday’s devastating earthquake, the People’s Republic of China has declared war on Earth’s tectonic plates.
“Killing over 10,000 of our citizens and destroying our highways, schools, hospitals, and countless homes is clearly an act of war,” said Premier Wen Jiabao. “For too long we have allowed the brutal aggressions of the tectonic plates to go unanswered—no more.”
China immediately mobilized ground troops. Engineers began converting tanks into makeshift boring machines which will be used to open a war front with the plates by drilling large holes through the planet’s crust. Once the tectonic plates are no longer safe in their cowardly hiding place, China plans to begin a full scale assault.
Chinese military leaders will not rule out a nuclear attack against the plates, but have indicated that the campaign will begin with traditional warfare, escalating to chemical and nuclear options only as a last resort.
“The tectonic plates massacred over half a million of our people in the twentieth century,” said the Premier, “their ruthless assault continues, but these crimes against our great nation will no longer remain unanswered.”
The United States, Great Britain, and forty-three other nations formally announced support for China in their war against the plates, while Bolivia and Egypt are leading a coalition backing the plates. Switzerland declared neutrality in the conflict.