New Study Proves the Extreme Benefits of Speeding

A new study released Friday finally proves what most Americans behind the wheel already knew: speeding saves time.

Specifically, speeding was found to save the average American roughly two minutes every day. This number was determined by analyzing vast amounts of data and performing deeply complicated calculations—it definitely was not pulled out of thin air.

The Loon Institute for Calculative Knowledge (LICK)—a highly regarded and definitely not fictitious think tank—conducted the rigorous study of the nation’s drivers by observing at least fifty vehicles over a period of approximately three hours on Friday afternoon.

LICK found that the average American travels twenty-nine miles each day in their car at an average speed of thirty-one miles per hour, spending a total of fifty-five minutes on the road. If not for speeding, the amount of time spent daily behind the wheel could likely be fifty-seven or even fifty-eight minutes.

The study also showed that in addition to saving precious minutes every day, drivers who speed also experience a number of other benefits:

• Stop at the next traffic signal 30 seconds before those who don’t speed.
• Burn more gas per mile, resulting in more frequent visits to the popular local hangout, your friendly neighborhood gasoline station.
• Expanded social circle includes local EMTs and traffic enforcement officers.
• Satisfied feeling of supporting local government upon payment of speeding citations.