News Shorts

Study Confirms Seattleites’ Self-Importance

At South Kitsap’s annual science fair last week sophomore Erin Rheinstadt published the results of her groundbreaking three-day study titled “The effects of an inland body of salt water on regional attitudes of superiority.”

The five page double-spaced paper and accompanying three-panel display board showed how Rheinstadt applied the scientific method to test her theory that people living on the east side of Puget Sound are far more smug than those living on the west side…

Jumbo-Sized Frosted Mini Wheats Blow Tukwila Man’s Mind

Twenty-eight-year-old Tukwila resident Steve Swenson had his mind blown on Saturday by the Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats: Big Bite cereal that he enjoyed for breakfast.

“I pulled the box out of the pantry and was like, whoa,” said Swenson, a Supply Chain Specialist for local aerospace manufacturer Boeing. “It’s like, they’re mini, but big at the same time… how is that possible?”

Snowy Apocalypse Descends Upon Puget Sound

In an unmistakable sign of God’s anger toward the numerous and flagrant sins of the greater Seattle region, a storm of heavy snow and lightning descended upon the area the evening of April 18th.

“Nude bicycle parades, gay newspapers, and an extreme idolization of coffee are all abominations to me,” said The Almighty. “And don’t even get me started on that terrible stank they got going on down in Tacoma.”