McCain Courts Hispanic Voters (Literally)

Senator John McCain said Monday that the Republican stance on immigration is chasing Hispanic voters away from the party, a problem that he has a plan to personally solve.

“I believe the majority of Hispanics find me to be an attractive guy, and I hope to have the opportunity to take them out and explain my policies to them over a nice bottle of wine,” the Senator said.

“Hispanics are beautiful and exotic people, and I will do whatever I can to make sure that they are shown a good time.”

Following up his launch of a Spanish-language campaign web site last week, McCain reiterated his commitment to “tasteful border security” and his “pro hot Latina immigration” platform.

“On one hand, we need to protect our nation’s borders,” said McCain, “but on the other hand, if we don’t let immigrants into this country, they won’t be able to join me for dinner next Tuesday, at say… seven?”

“This is on me,” said the Senator. “I just want you to have a good time, and hopefully we can get to know one another a little better.”

Republican strategists have said McCain must win over Hispanic voters in whatever way necessary if he hopes to achieve victory in November. To this end, McCain has said that he plans to “go ahead and splurge on The Cheesecake Factory rather than settling for Olive Garden or Red Lobster.”

McCain received positive reactions from Hispanic leaders for his new approach, but some in the conservative base of his party are saying that the plan should involve more fear-mongering and jingoism.

“I think that if Hispanic voters will just give me a chance, they’ll see that I’m actually a pretty nice guy that they wouldn’t mind spending more time with,” said McCain. “Oh, and the Republican Party is pretty great too,” he added.

“In America we are interested in the character of the person, not the color of their skin—although you have to admit that the Hispanic people have an amazing and sensual complexion,” he said.

Story Tip: Pete Newland of GameBrainSpew – Thanks, Pete!

About the Author

Ash Grimm
Naked Loon Political Reporter

6 Comments on "McCain Courts Hispanic Voters (Literally)"

  1. the man | 2008-05-12 at 7:15 PM |

    You need to use more big words. Any joke that makes me need to type “dict jingoism” is way more funny. Any posts with only three words with at least six letters is very boring. Like this one.

  2. Huh? Above commenter is definitely not “the man”, unless he is also the author of this piece, because this story ROCKS.

    Although personally, I’d choose the Olive Garden over the Cheesecake Factory.

  3. Ulysses | 2008-05-13 at 3:32 PM |

    I’m with J.R. Personally, I love the line about “dinner next Tuesday at, say…seven?” haha, awesome.

  4. McCain es un buen hombre.

  5. Sadly, this may not be too far from the truth.

  6. Nathan Fluger | 2009-01-08 at 5:53 PM |

    El senor McCain es muy simpatico. Me gusta ir con el a diferentes lugares y mirar a mujeres bellas. Fantastico!

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