Police in Sultan arrested world-famous polka star “Weird” Al Yankovic on Monday, charging him with seven counts of illegal chinchilla breeding and four counts of aiding and abetting copious concealed chinchilla copulation.
“This is probably the most disturbing crime I’ve had to deal with in my entire career,” said Sultan’s Interim Police Chief Rick Hawkins. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to scrub the image from my brain.” Chief Hawkins declined to elaborate on that statement.
According to court documents, Yankovic has allegedly been running the covert illegal operation for three years, resulting in the production of hundreds—possibly even thousands—of unlicensed chinchillas.
Operating under the name “Phantasmagoric Clockwerkz,” Yankovic’s illicit enterprise is thought to be responsible for flooding the crepuscular rodent black market throughout the entire south-central Snohomish County region.
Since early 2005 law enforcement officials have tracked the sale of illegitimate chinchillas through Yankovic’s organization to dozens of unwitting customers. His victims included a broad range of individuals and groups, from county-wide snorkel fan clubs to small local businesses such as Jerry’s Bait Shop in Index.
“Their website looked so professional,” said Zelda, a Gold Bar calligraphy enthusiast that asked that her last name not be used. “When I placed my order for one dozen starving-crazed chinchillas, everything seemed totally legitimate. There was literally no way for anyone to know that Phantasmagoric Clockwerkz was operating in violation of fifty-three federal codes, as well as sixty-seven county laws.”
Snohomish County Superior Court Judge Ronald Castleberry has ordered that Yankovic be held in the Monroe Correctional Complex until his trial in May. Bail has been set at three billion, two hundred twenty eight thousand, nine hundred and sixty-four dollars.