16-year-old John Baker of Redmond utterly destroyed his 2028 campaign for President Tuesday, when he updated his Facebook profile with an unspeakably offensive missive, intended to get a laugh out of his friends.
Thinking his peers would find it hilarious, Baker updated his Facebook status Tuesday afternoon at approximately 3:24 PM to display the message that “John is [censored]ing his sister’s collection of [censored] in the [censored]” to his 538 friends.
While his Facebook friends did indeed find the highly inappropriate update to be amusing, observers on both sides of the political spectrum agreed that the repulsive juvenile stunt would definitely cost Baker the 2028 election.
“It’s really disappointing,” said Mary Dean, Baker’s future campaign manager. “John had such a great future in politics in front of him. Now I’m not sure if he’ll ever be able to do better than Senator.”
From his humble beginning as the son of a pair of Microsoft managers attending a private school in Redmond, Baker’s political career had been set to include a position on the Redmond city council followed by election to the Washington State House of Representatives in 2018, a successful Senate run including the defeat of Maria Cantwell in the top two primary in 2022, and eventually the presidential bid in 2028.
Armed with the embarrassing Facebook status update, Baker’s political enemies have already begun working on attack ads for the 2028 campaign painting him as a reckless and dangerous choice.
“Campaign cycles have been getting longer and longer recently, so it only makes sense to get the jump on this kind of opportunity as soon as it becomes available,” said 8-year-old Paul Rose, campaign advisor for Harvard freshman Judith Orlando, one of Baker’s 2028 opponents. “This is exactly the kind of break we’ve been waiting for.”
Despite the grim outlook, Baker’s future campaign staff worked hard to maintain a naïve confidence that their candidate will be able to overcome the “Facebook Fiasco,” as the controversy will come to be known, eventually triumphing on November 7th (2028).
“I think history will have shown that candidates can triumph in the face of much worse scandals than this,” said Dean. “Johnson and the MySpace Mess in 2016, Thomas’s Twitter Tumult in 2024… the list goes on. As this campaign continues, future Senator Baker is going to continue do what he will always have done—serve the American people.”