Reichert Collapses into Twitching Convulsions

Eighth District Representative Dave Reichert was hospitalized Monday, as the increasingly heavy burden of being the sole Republican hope in the Seattle area finally became too much to bear.

The stunning news came even as vote counts in King and Pierce counties extended Reichert’s now comfortable 13,000-vote lead in his re-election bid against Darcy Burner, a former Microsoft executive middle manager whose impressive credentials include a degree in economics computer science.

With Republican candidates across the Seattle area having received a sound thrashing at the polls on Election Day, giving Democrats convincing majorities in the 1st, 2nd, 6th, 7th, and 9th districts, Reichert’s imminent reelection stands out as a beacon of hope for downtrodden Republicans from Kent to Kenmore. Unfortunately for Representative Reichert, the combined weight of the hopes over half a million distraught Republican voters—many well outside his district—proved too much to handle.

In the middle of a local business breakfast Monday morning, Rep. Reichert’s comments about upcoming economic policies suddenly shifted from unintelligible economic jargon to unintelligible total babbling nonsense as he slumped over in his chair and began to drool, succumbing to uncontrollable twitching.

News of Reichert’s collapse sent shockwaves through his new-found post-election supporters in other Seattle-area districts.

“I’ve been bragging about Dave’s re-election to all my Democrat friends for days,” said John Daley, a Republican in Edmonds (part of the 1st Congressional District, where Democrat Jay Inslee won nearly 70% of the vote). “If I had known my jubilation would come down so heavily on Dave, I guess I might have toned it down a little.”

After watching their own candidates take such a vigorous thrashing at the polls, Republicans all across the Puget Sound region have flooded Rep. Reichert’s inbox, mailbox, and campaign phone lines with unprecedented levels of post-election support.

Doctors were able to stabilize Rep. Reichert’s condition Monday afternoon, and have diagnosed him with a moderate case of remote-induced post-election trouncing trauma disorder.

“After a couple of hours the convulsions finally stopped, and we were able to get him out of the fetal position,” said Dr. Alfred Norton, Reichert’s physician. “We’re hopeful that the triple-dose of morphine we administered will soon allow him to be able to break the post-election TV-smile that his face has been frozen in since he arrived.”

Rep. Reichert is predicted to make full recovery by January, just in time to serve as part of the hopelessly-outnumbered Republican minority in the 111th Congress.

About the Author

Ash Grimm
Naked Loon Political Reporter

3 Comments on "Reichert Collapses into Twitching Convulsions"

  1. This is a good one; thanks!

  2. Senseless Hippie | 2008-11-10 at 6:57 PM |

    I guess Darcy’s plan to [removed by editor—bad taste] has failed.

  3. J ENIGMA | 2008-11-10 at 9:25 PM |

    What a heavy burden! I can feel his pain; for many years I was the only Democrat in Utah.

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