A Comprehensive Guide to Alternative Transportation

Has the high price of gas got you considering alternate ways of commuting to work, but there are so many options that you find yourself paralyzed with indecision? Can’t get those darn little shoulder-dudes to shut up with their non-stop debate over the merits of driving alone to work in an earth-killing smog machine?

Good Shoulder Dude: “Whose idea was it that the best way to transport a 6-foot, 160-pound human was to put him into a 2,500-pound steel cage? That’s ridiculously inefficient and wasteful.”
Evil Shoulder Dude: “Shut up you pansy, thinking is for losers.”
Gsd: “But don’t you think it’s silly to carry around that much empty space and emit all that exhaust, just to sit motionless in traffic half the time anyway?”
Esd: “‘Don’t I think?’ What did I just say about thinking? Just do what’s fun and easy. Convenience is king, baby.”
Gsd: “But right now to get to work we sit around in our car for over an hour a day just to drive 40 miles round trip, at a cost of over $150 per month. And anyway, aren’t you tired of being a slave to traffic?”
Esd: “You’re a moron.”

Maybe Naked Loon staff are the only ones with a shoulder-dude problem, but fortunately we won’t let that stop us from bringing you this exhaustive guide to all your transportation options. Read on and be enlightened.

Pros: Complete protection from “the elements,” ability to listen to radio/CD, high top speed, provides a sense of American Pride™, easier than thinking.
Cons: Buying gas is like writing a check out directly to Bush/Cheney/Rove, too easy to get stuck in the middle of traffic with no hope of escape, up to five minute walk from closest parking spot to work building, large overall expense (financial and spiritual).

Scooter/Moped (gas-powered)
Pros: Versatile—able to get out of a jam easier, super-low fuel consumption (~100mpg), easy to find parking, official protection from scooter-moving motorists, makes you look cool.
Cons: Low top speed (45mph), unable to use freeways, initial investment $2,000-$3,000, still writing checks to Karl Rove, no protection from the elements, unable to support liberal talk radio.

Scooter/Moped (electric-powered)
Pros: Sticking it to Dick Cheney, warm fuzzy feeling in heart, that’s about it.
Cons: Relatively low top speed (20-30mph), initial investment $1,500-$2,000, unable to jump a dozen busses, no protection from the elements, miss out on the latest anti-Bush rants from favorite Air America hosts.

Pros: Ability to do pretty much anything during the commute (stare silently at shoes, destroy hearing with your iPod, etc.), possible subsidies from employer, and yeah that’s pretty much it.
Cons: Routes apparently designed by drunken monkeys, daily cost higher than gasoline, longer round-trip times than driving, extra walking each way to/from bus stops, totally un-hip.

Pros: Quiet, fast, easy.
Cons: Merely a figment of your imagination, closest non-fictional rail transit system over 2,000 miles away in Chicago.

Pros: Bigger than those stupid Hummer H2s, childhood fantasy fulfilled, eat it Rove, ability to pimp out a sweet travel compartment on top, nobody messes with the elephant.
Cons: Solid byproduct difficult to dispose of, not the fastest method available.

Pros: Daily exercise, no recurring expenses, George Bush can suck sand, shorter routes via back roads, moral superiority.
Cons: Daily exercise, low top speed, no protection from the elements, implied affiliation with militant twits.

Pros: Low fuel requirements, able to carry extra loads, spit in the eye of anyone who cuts you off.
Cons: Desert animal possibly not water-resistant, very low top speed, chafing.

Pros: Ability to do pretty much anything during the commute, someone else gets daily exercise.
Cons: Difficult to find driver, possibly not legal on roads or trails.

Pros: Daily exercise, possible subsidies from employer.
Cons: Who are you kidding—as if you’re really going to walk 25+ miles a day.

About the Author

Martha Kostyra
Naked Loon Living Editor

4 Comments on "A Comprehensive Guide to Alternative Transportation"

  1. Rex Road | 2008-08-17 at 8:29 AM |

    My friend and I did try riding our camel to work. But they make fun of camel! We were stuck in traffic on Hi-Fi 40 when someone holler out of car “look at the two A-holes on the camel.” My friend and I get off and raise camels tail, but see only one. Our camel will not leave the yard now with us riding now.

  2. Bob Snakely | 2008-08-17 at 8:39 AM |

    I hate to bring this up, but the real solution to saving Seattle and Planet Earth is the elimination of all human beings! And in that regard the best thing for a lot of folks who commute to do is to take that fateful step and go into a closed room with a Glock or other pistol and do the right thing by ‘striking a blow’ for mother Earth!
    I want to make it clear that I am absolutely opposed to cremation; it produces CO2 and contributes to Global Warming. Maybe we should consider what they were doing with the remains of our ‘dearly departed’ in the movie ‘Soylent Green’. Hey you could do worse on the dinner table, look at the big haunches of some of our overweight brothers and sisters.

  3. MichaelSnyder | 2008-08-18 at 9:30 AM |

    One unmentioned benefit to walking/bicycling is that if you don’t need to pay the %18 of your income car expenses, you can afford a house closer to work.

  4. Jonathan Gardner | 2008-08-18 at 9:52 AM |

    Where can I buy an elephant?

    Do they have hybrid models?

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