Space Needle Totally Around Here Somewhere

The Space Needle is totally around here somewhere, I’m sure of it.

Yes, I realize we’ve been wandering around downtown for two hours now. That just means we must be close, right?

No, I will not stop to ask for directions. I realize that this is our first time Seattle, and I may not know where every little thing is located. But I’ll be danged if I stoop to getting any so-called direction from one of these prancified coffee-swilling yuppies.

Billy (or: Quit Yer Complainin’)

Billy wants to be a fireman when he grows up. For most little boys, this would be a reasonable dream, but for Billy, it may be a little out of his range.

See, Billy was born blind, and there aren’t many blind firemen, if there are any at all. In addition to his blindness, he is deaf in both ears, which makes it even harder.

What really makes it outside of the realm of possibility though, is the fact that Billy is a quadriplegic: he cannot move any muscle below his neck. He is confined to a wheelchair, which he controls with a mouth-joystick.

These are not the complete catalog of Billy’s woes, though. Not by far…

Neighbors that Want Their Cats to Stay in One Piece Need to Keep Them Out of My Dang Yard

I’m a reasonable, tolerant person, but I admit, there are a few things that I do not tolerate: intolerance, coffee beans that are not fair trade and certified organic, Wal*Mart, carbon emissions, the neighbors’ gosh darned cats in my yard.

In fact, I’m putting out this official warning right now: Neighbors that do not want pieces of their cats to be individually wrapped and delivered on their doorstep need to keep them the heck out of my yard.

Moderately Insane Road Trip Ideas

Let’s talk for a moment about road trips. Sure, gas prices are making all our ears bleed, but why should we let that stop us from making summer road trips?

What is there not to love about a road trip? Spending hours at a time crammed into a high-speed tin can is our kind of fun. Spewing out noxious fumes as we cruse the hills and plains, all the while emptying our wallets as we rack up credit card debt to fill the tank every 300 miles.

The Future: Let’s get on with it already

It is time to admit the obvious. We have failed. It’s the year 2008 and we’re still waiting for the future to arrive.

What the hell, people? Where did we go wrong? Wasn’t the future supposed to be, like, a thousand times cooler than this? How is it that our biggest concerns in today’s society are gas prices and doing daily chores?

How is it that we were able to go all the way to the MOON in 1969, but today the best that a robot servant can do is vacuum floors or clean gutters.

A Collection of Poetry

Hi, my name is Alexander and I am in the eighth grade. I am an above average English student and author. I don’t prefer to write very much, but I can write pretty good. I can do poetry O.K. if I try real hard, as I have done in this column. This column will show my creativity. Some of the poems will not be that great, but they are my best.

Thank You, and enjoy.

I Can Eat This Entire Burger in One Bite

You see this burger? The one right here in front of me, sitting on my plate? I can eat this entire burger in one bite.

That’s right; I can just pop the whole thing right into my mouth and scarf it down all at once.

You don’t believe me? Well, that’s a crucial error on your part. I know my mouth better than I know the back of my hand, and certainly well enough to make an accurate assessment of how much food it can or cannot hold at one time.

It is Not Easy Being White

It seems like the popular thing to talk about these days is all the racial tension and “hidden racism” against African-Americans. That is fine, I am as anti-racism as the next progressive, but let me tell you something: it is not easy being white, either.

Let me just start with the word “white.” Who decided that it was okay to call me that? I prefer “Euro-American” or simply “Amero-American.” But white does not even accurately describe the actual color of my skin. Do you know what is actually white? Toilets, mayonnaise, and snow. People call me white right to my face; day in and day out. What they are really calling me is “snowy mayo toilet-skin.”

I am truly a despicable wretch.

In the wake of mounting public outrage following the imminent departure of the Seattle Sonics, I feel that there is something I need to say. I’d like to address an unlikely figure that has joined the rising chorus of my critics: me, Howard Schultz.

As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee at Tully’s in Madison Park, I mull over the various things I’ve done that I myself would describe as ‘disgusting’, ‘despicable’ and ‘loathsome.’ “I really am one of the biggest jerks out there,” I mutter wistfully to myself.

I want to be a elephant trainer when I grow up

My name is Alexander and I am in the first grade. When I grow up I want to be a elephant trainer.

Elephants are neat. They are big and gray and have funny long noses and you can ride on them if you are real careful and nice. When you ride on a elephant you can make it go around and stomp on people like the bully at school named Joe that pushes me around. My elephant will make Joe go splat.

Tim Eyman: Introducing I-999 The Ultimate Anti- Government Initiative

We’ve been beating around the bush for long enough. It’s time we got serious about taking back control of our government from the business-as-usual bureaucrats that have taken over Olympia.

That’s why I’m introducing my latest initiative, I-999, which will completely eliminate the offices of state representatives, senators, judges, and governor.

I-999 is a smart, balanced, reasonable proposal that closes loopholes in state government that have allowed tax-raising government cronies to maintain a tight fist of control over the years, thwarting the will of the people time and again.

Screw Transportation Compromise, Seattle Should Ban Cars Outright

When it comes to our area’s transportation problems, you hear a lot of talk these days about “compromise.” People say that transit advocates and road supporters should come together and find a middle ground that will benefit the entire community. You know what? Screw that. There, I said it.

I am tired of pretending that there are two sides to the so-called transportation “debate.” The simple fact of the matter is…