Facing an unprecedented $9 billion budget shortfall, legislators in Olympia are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to sustain the drunken spending spree of the past four years.
Now thanks to some quick thinking by Senate Majority Leader Lisa Brown, cuts in popular programs such as after school basket weaving for inner-city toddlers will likely be avoided as an oppressive tax on an unpopular minority heads for easy passage.
“It’s so obvious, I don’t understand why we didn’t see this before,” said Brown, referring to her proposal to impose a one-percent income tax on the “super-rich.” “Nobody likes snooty rich people, and they only make up something like one percent of the population, so even if they all voted against this, there’s really no way they can stop it.”
While the idea of an income tax has been brought to the table in Washington State in the past, previous iterations have asked every taxpayer to pay a share, resulting in repeated and resounding defeats. In order to avoid a nasty repeat of this scenario, Brown’s proposal puts the decision to impose a despised income tax in the hands of those who will likely never be personally affected by it.
“We already know that implementing an income tax is going to require either a public vote or a two-thirds majority in the House and Senate,” said Brown. “I just figured that the easiest way to get voters to pass this thing is to impose it on the one group of people that most of them already hate: the rich.”
Brown’s proposal opens dozens of new avenues for government-sponsored oppression of despised minorities. In addition to her selective tax on the rich, Brown is also introducing bills that will raise money by allowing scientists to experiment on prisoners, as well as suspend government spending on public art, instead authorizing the seizure of works of art directly from artists.
“Those hippie artists can always make more, after all,” explained Brown. “It’s not fair that they should have an unlimited supply of art while the rest of us have to pay them for ours.”
New taxes are also being considered for a wide range of other unpopular minorities, including tuba players, bank tellers, radish farmers, and libertarians.
Washington State’s tax structure has long been decried by politicians as one of the most regressive in the nation, with the downtrodden poor spending an average of three hundred percent of their income on taxes while the rich are paid generous government benefits of hundreds of thousands each year just to live here.
When asked why she would push for a new one percent income tax on the rich instead of something like the Fair Tax that would bring some actual fairness in the state’s taxation structure and ease the burden on Washington’s poor, Brown quickly changed the subject.
“I think you’re missing the important thing here,” said Brown. “Here’s what we can all agree on—the rich need to be punished, and this tax would be a good start.”
Naked Loon reporter Jaime Rodriguez also contributed to this story.
This is absolutely ridiculous. Because of higher taxes, many of my wealthy friends at http://www.affluence.org have said they don’t plan on spending as much time or money building businesses. Taxes targeted at entrepreneurs and the otherwise rich take away incentive for innovation, they take away competition.
Sam: perhaps this is why the rich are hated so. They get so cranky about government’s attempts to get ahold of this lovely, lovely green paper. Perhaps they wouldn’t be so hated if, instead of hoarding their money, they spent it on more constructive things like bribing the masses.
This is only the beginning if this rediculous tax is passed. Next will be (like the President’s plan), anyone earning over $250K. Then anyone earning over $50K. Just like the federal income tax. It started the same way and look at it now.
Anger! Fear! Confusion…? Maybe the hiatus of news from The Naked Loon allowed people to forget this is a parody site.
…by allowing scientists to experiment on prisoners….
As a member of a number of loathed minorities, I am probably against this tax.
Yes, if we only got rid of taxes, and left every thing to be sold by huge corporations, we’d all be *free*.
If only we stopped beating up on the enormously rich who made their money through subsidies and welfare and freebies.
roflmao doesn’t cut it; I nearly died laughing! “It’s time we punish those smug richies,” she said.
Seriously, can I work for you guys? We need a few more laughs in an all-too-serious world.