Graduates Ride Emotional High from Successfully Meeting Minimum Standards

One week into their new lives as allegedly contributing members of society, recent local high school graduates are still riding an emotional high from completing the biggest achievement of their lives: meeting the criteria for graduation as defined in the Washington State law and school board policy.

“It’s like, so great to finally be like, done with school” said Sarah Donohue, a graduate of Inglemoor High in Kenmore.

Local teens reported feeling a lasting sense of accomplishment and satisfaction after successfully reaching the level of education required to obtain such illustrious jobs as cashier, car salesman, and food preparation worker.

The class of 2008 was the first class required to pass the Washington Assessment of Student Learning exam (WASL) in order to graduate. The requirements for previous classes to earn a diploma were slightly less rigorous, with the only strict criteria being that graduates demonstrate the ability to fog a mirror.

The WASL required this year’s graduating class to demonstrate a mastery of grade-school reading and writing skills, but the math and science portions of the test were waived by Christine Gregoire, who explained that eighth-grade math and science concepts can be difficult to grasp, and besides that’s what calculators and the internet are for.

Although they appeared to observing family and friends to be little more than ritual formalities, the graduation ceremonies themselves were also a source of great inspiration for graduates.

“When our class president gave that speech about seizing the future and chasing our dreams, it was like, so original and like, moving,” said Ballard High graduate Mike Page. “You don’t even know,” Page emphasized.

In the week following the exhilarating graduation ceremonies, graduates have been celebrating their achievement by sleeping in until 10:00 and hanging out in local grocery store parking lots five days a week instead of just two.

“Homework was such a drag,” reported Donohue. “I’m glad to finally be in the real world where things will be so much easier.”

About the Author

Frigyes Karinthy
Naked Loon Neighborhood Correspondent

7 Comments on "Graduates Ride Emotional High from Successfully Meeting Minimum Standards"

  1. MacGyver | 2008-06-23 at 11:47 AM |

    Too true to be funny….

  2. JoeyMac | 2008-06-23 at 3:08 PM |

    Addtional job eligibility: GM Seattle Mariners, Clay Bennett PR Consultant, and Washington Public Transportation Advisor.

  3. Ulysses | 2008-06-23 at 3:19 PM |

    Too true to NOT be funny.

  4. Ya know…. I think I was, like, there! It sounds sooooooo familiar. Wow, great article, man!

  5. Bob Snakely | 2008-06-23 at 11:46 PM |

    The math WASL has been down graded to the point where most of these grads will not have the skill sets to balance their check books or their credit card accounts. What diff does it make? The Banks do that for them, right?

  6. See you at the Burger King kids. Special orders don’t upset us! (But you’re special– just like your parents have been telling you for years.)

  7. This article rings true for a bachelor’s degree too.

    I hate my life.

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