What Are We Dreaming Of?
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2008
Oil Companies: Now is a Great Time to Drive
Hit hard by the double whammy of a faltering economy and falling gas prices, oil companies have launched a nationwide consumer education program extolling the benefits of driving.
Over the next three months the industry plans to spend $50 million attempting to convince the public that “Now is a Great Time to Drive.”
Fed Cuts Rate to 1% to Ensure Prolonged Recession
In a panicked move Wednesday, the Federal Reserve cut its benchmark interest rate by half a percentage point to one percent, guaranteeing the worst U.S. economic downturn in the postwar era, if not the worst of all time.
“Recent policy actions, including today’s rate reduction, should help to amplify the downside risks to growth which remain,” said the Federal Open Market Committee in yesterday’s statement.
Both of Seattle’s Basketball Fans Depressed as NBA Season Begins
Repulsive Facebook Update Sends Shockwaves Through 2028 Campaign
16-year-old John Baker of Redmond utterly destroyed his 2028 campaign for President Tuesday, when he updated his Facebook profile with an unspeakably offensive missive, intended to get a laugh out of his friends.
Thinking his peers would find it hilarious, Baker updated his Facebook status Tuesday afternoon at approximately 3:24 PM to display the message that “John is [censored]ing his sister’s collection of…
Weird Al Arrested in Illegal Chinchilla Breeding Sting
Police in Sultan arrested world-famous polka star “Weird” Al Yankovic on Monday, charging him with seven counts of illegal chinchilla breeding and four counts of aiding and abetting copious concealed chinchilla copulation.
“This is probably the most disturbing crime I’ve had to deal with in my entire career,” said Sultan’s Interim Police Chief Rick Hawkins. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to scrub the image from my brain.”
Researchers Conclude Cat Urine “Mostly Ineffective” at Reducing Facial Wrinkles
Learning to Cope Without Circus Animals
It has been three full weeks since the untimely demise of Mother’s Cookies dealt a crushing blow to humanity. While it may be too early for some who are still suffering through denial, anger, bargaining, or depression, The Naked Loon humbly presents the following review of Circus Animal alternatives to help the wounded nation move on.
Naked Loon staff members scoured local grocers for alternatives…
Seattle: World Class City
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Thank Goodness It’s Polar Fleece Season!
I think it’s safe to say that I’m not the only one that was relieved—no, overjoyed to look out my window in recent days and see gray skies and drizzle.
When the thermometer drops into the fifties, I can barely contain my enthusiasm as I head to the closet to pull out that hallmark of any self-respecting northwesterner’s wardrobe: the polar fleece.
The best part about polar fleece…
Google to Seattle: Seriously Guys, Drop Dead
In a hand-written note wrapped around a brick thrown through a Seattle City Hall window, San Francisco-based Google Inc. reiterated its position Wednesday that they will “never, ever, not in a thousand million years be bringing Street View to Seattle.”
The message from the internet giant cleared up confusion among Seattle residents, a number of whom reported spotting Google Street View cars roaming area streets over four months ago…
Banana Spill on 520 Bridge Sends 500 Commuters into Lake Washington
Violent Crime in Tacoma Sees Dramatic One Percent Drop
Law enforcement officials in Tacoma are ecstatic over an unprecedented one percent drop in the latest violent crime statistics.
It is important to note that although the announcement from the Sheriff’s Office implies that Tacoma’s violent crime rate declined by one percent, in actuality it was the rate of increase in violent crime that decreased by one percent—from a 9% year-to-year increase in September 2007 to an 8% increase in September 2008.
Local Shoe Company Unveils Ultimate Gimmick Shoe
Tacoma-based shoe company Wear the Foot issued a press release Tuesday announcing the latest breakthrough in high-tech shoe wizardry: the Pump-Light-Rolly shoe.
“We’re proud to be the first and only shoe company in the world to offer the advanced breakthroughs of pump technology, light-up soles, and wheeled heels in a single shoe,” CEO Howard Spitzer was quoted as saying in the release.