Hit hard by the double whammy of a faltering economy and falling gas prices, oil companies have launched a nationwide consumer education program extolling the benefits of driving.
Over the next three months the industry plans to spend $50 million attempting to convince the public that “Now is a Great Time to Drive.”
“Think about how much walking you do every day,” said ExxonMobil CEO Rex W. Tillerson, whose projected bonus for 2008 has fallen nearly fifteen percent in the past month to barely over $10 million. “Walking to the mailbox, walking to your neighbor’s house, walking to the café on your lunch break… it all requires so much effort—why not drive instead?”
“It’s true, consumers can and should be driving far more than they are,” added BP CEO Anthony Hayward. “For example, do you realize how bad it is to leave milk just sitting in your cart while you finish the rest of your grocery shopping? You should buy the milk, drive it home, and then drive back to the store for the rest of your groceries.”
“You might be wondering if driving more right now is a smart financial decision,” begins one of the oil companies’ informational packets. “The fact is, driving is key to building long-term wealth, no matter when someone drives. Without driving, you wouldn’t have a job, you wouldn’t be able to spend your money, and the entire economy would collapse.”
In addition to encouraging Americans to drive more, the oil companies are also releasing a number of new gas-friendly product lines, including gas powered plasma and LCD televisions, gas powered cell phones, and gas powered desk lamps.
“Our engineers are working around-the-clock to develop new and interesting ways for the American consumer to use gas,” said Tillerson. “We’ve got power tools for him, massage chairs for her, and action figures and dolls for the kids—all powered by America’s favorite fuel: gasoline.”
Industry executives are hopeful that their marketing effort will convince the public that despite the doom and gloom headlines, it’s always a good time to burn gasoline. Interested consumers are encouraged to visit GasandOilFacts.com or RightTimetoDrive.org to learn more.
Story Tip: Pete Newland of GameBrainSpew – Thanks, Pete!