My name is Alexander and I am in the first grade. When I grow up I want to be a elephant trainer.
Elephants are neat. They are big and gray and have funny long noses and you can ride on them if you are real careful and nice. When you ride on a elephant you can make it go around and stomp on people like the bully at school named Joe that pushes me around. My elephant will make Joe go splat.
So it’s April 15th, again, and you’ve put off doing your taxes until the last minute yet again. Well luckily for you, the tireless staff of The Naked Loon is here to make your life easier with a list of useful tips to help you take advantage of every possible sneaky loophole and clever dodge. By following these tips, you can turn tax time into fun time.
We’ve been beating around the bush for long enough. It’s time we got serious about taking back control of our government from the business-as-usual bureaucrats that have taken over Olympia.
That’s why I’m introducing my latest initiative, I-999, which will completely eliminate the offices of state representatives, senators, judges, and governor.
I-999 is a smart, balanced, reasonable proposal that closes loopholes in state government that have allowed tax-raising government cronies to maintain a tight fist of control over the years, thwarting the will of the people time and again.
After canceling nearly 2,500 flights in a test-run earlier in the week, American Airlines announced today that they would be canceling all future flights, effective immediately.
While the earlier cancellations were ostensibly implemented in order to perform some necessary wiring repairs, the airline revealed today that they were in fact merely an experiment to determine whether they could operate on a flight-free business model.
Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced an exciting new plan today by the city to relocate the Gorge Amphitheatre from the backward rural central Washington village of George to the glistening progressive urban utopia of Seattle.
“Seattle is the best place in the State of Washington for entertainment,” said Nickels, “so it just makes sense that we should have the state’s best concert venue located here in our fair city.”
We all want an awesome place to live. We want a super-posh home in a ridiculously affluent neighborhood that feels popular and sheltered; and most of all, we all want to live in a sterile, plague-free, and ultra-sexy community. Please take a moment to think about the following.
For the past three months, Bellevue schools have been pioneering an exciting new student exchange program with school children in the immeasurably less fortunate village of Auburn, located in the poverty-stricken wastelands south of Seattle.
In the program, students from Bellevue schools endure a week living with a host family in Auburn while their counterparts are granted a temporary glimpse of life outside of the rural slums.
Situated prominently on the western shore of Lake Union, the massive “restaurant” known as China Harbor has long been an object of suspicion in the local community. In a four-week undercover investigation, The Naked Loon has uncovered the startling truth about this so-called fine dining establishment.
For years Seattle residents have acknowledged to each other that there are few restaurants which require a warehouse large enough to build a 747 inside.
With a sweeping new bill signed into law by Christine Gregoire on Tuesday, Washington State’s government has officially declared war on children’s toys.
House Bill 2647 uses the guise of implementing the world’s strictest toy safety standards to execute what will effectively become a statewide ban on fun.
“Kids these days have way, way too much fun,” said Representative Mary Lou Dickerson.
In a 7-2 decision on Monday, the Seattle City Council passed a sweeping city-wide program intended to literally make Seattle the “Greenest City Ever,” by painting each and every structure within the city limits a delightful shade of forest green. Residents and businesses alike will be required to participate in the new program, which will begin in 2010.
“We’ve made a lot of progress toward becoming the leader in green issues…”
After losing a $40 billion Air Force tanker contract to European competitor Airbus and filing a formal protest with the Government Accountability Office in early March, Boeing has announced that they will build the tanker regardless of the US Government’s decision.
It was thought that the Air Force decision would result in the eventual 2012 closure of the 767 assembly line in Everett, and the addition of thousands of jobs to Airbus…
In an apparent case of temporary insanity, Seattle-area resident Marty Mathis quit his job last month to begin a hopeless quest to build a home-based business.
“I’ve always wanted to work from home,” Mathis said. “With all these great ideas swimming around in my head and the few thousand dollars I’ve managed to save up, I figured there wasn’t going to be a better time to pursue my dreams.”
In a press release published Friday, internet technology leader Google announced that its revolutionary Street View technology will not be expanded to include coverage of the Seattle area, ever.
Friday’s statement from the internet giant finally answered the question that has been on many tech-savvy Seattle residents’ minds: When is Seattle going to get Street View? The answer, according to Google, is never.
Seattle resident and world-famous Grammy-winning musician Dave Matthews announced Tuesday from his Seattle home that he would be kicking off a major new initiative in his personal fight against global warming.
“It’s no secret that I occasionally enjoy some leisure activities that may not be totally legal in most states, however, today I am announcing that I am officially giving up pot, for the good of our Mother Earth.”
The once-peaceful Puget Sound is turning into a blood-soaked battleground as a host of invading species stage complex military assaults on native flora and fauna.
In a comprehensive report released this week, local environmental scientists revealed that everything from orca and salmon to algae and seaweed is feeling the brunt of an attack by invading forces. Taking advantage of an ecosystem already weakened by the global warming debate…