American Airlines Cancels All Flights, Forever

After canceling nearly 2,500 flights in a test-run earlier in the week, American Airlines announced today that they would be canceling all future flights, effective immediately.

While the earlier cancellations were ostensibly implemented in order to perform some necessary wiring repairs, the airline revealed today that they were in fact merely an experiment to determine whether they could operate on a flight-free business model.

“We realized that we could be a lot more profitable if we simply sold tickets and didn’t bother with the expense of actually flying planes all over the planet,” said American Airlines spokesperson Tim Wagner.

American’s new business strategy will be to sell tickets that give the bearer the right to come to an airport and sit at the gate for hours, but never actually board a plane.

Along with the announcement of their new business model, American unveiled their new name: American Armchairs. Their logo has been revamped to match the new name and business model as well. “Of course, we won’t actually be providing armchairs to anyone,” Wagner explained, “but the name reflects on our new mission to make a profit by selling the ability to sit around in an airport.”

The move is not only a huge step toward sustainable profitability for the airline, but also sets them apart as an environmentally-conscious “green” example for other companies. “By not actually flying any airplanes, we’re conserving far more fuel than we would have by merely switching to more fuel-efficient aircraft,” said Wagner.

The company hopes that their move will spark a new era in air non-travel, leading to improved quality of service and greater customer satisfaction. “Before, when we sold tickets under the pretense that we were actually going to fly people places, it just led to hurt feelings and upset customers,” explained Wagner. “Now that people know they’re really only paying to go to the airport and sit around, we believe that customer satisfaction will really take off—unlike our planes, which will be sold for scrap metal.”

Other airlines have declined to indicate if they will follow suit. However, if the move is as successful as American executives believe it will be, it is likely that other airlines will soon make the switch as well.

About the Author

Josh Devena
Naked Loon Ecto-Seattle Correspondent

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