China Harbor Probably Not Just a Restaurant

Situated prominently on the western shore of Lake Union, the massive “restaurant” known as China Harbor has long been an object of suspicion in the local community. In a four-week undercover investigation, The Naked Loon has uncovered the startling truth about this so-called fine dining establishment.

For years Seattle residents have acknowledged to each other that there are few restaurants which require a warehouse large enough to build a 747 inside. Indeed, on our numerous visits to the establishment, there were rarely more than a handful of other patrons, most of which looked either confused or suspicious.

As you ascend the stairs that lead to the alleged restaurant’s front entrance and enter the second floor dining room, one can’t help but wonder what nefarious activities might be taking place on the spacious ground floor. Our investigators located a darkened stairwell that led to the ground floor, but when they attempted to access it, a large guard adorned in a pinstripe suit stepped out of the shadows and forcefully turned them back. It is unknown how the guard was able see our investigators through his dark sunglasses in the pitch black stairwell.

Most people agree that the 34 thousand square foot facility is in fact a front for a massive drug smuggling operation. The establishment’s waterfront location and immense storage space make this pretty much a foregone conclusion. In an attempt to confirm this, our investigators called the restaurant, and attempted to make a reservation for “Cocaine, party of 2 kilos” in a fake Chinese accent. The outburst of mixed Chinese and English profanity that resulted from this query was considered to be proof enough of the assertion, and we felt that it had been worth the trouble making the previous thirty calls in which the person answering had merely hung up on us without responding.

Although China Harbor does technically meet the qualifications for being considered a restaurant—in that they serve things purporting to be food—the food that is served is unnaturally shiny and, according to a lab we sent it to, may in fact be plastic.

After a thorough investigation into this suspicious establishment, the circumstantial evidence has piled through the proverbial roof. How can a restaurant (notoriously one of the most difficult types of business to successfully operate) with virtually no customers, an enormous waterfront location, and a creepy stairwell stay in business? Although we uncovered no concrete proof to suggest what’s really going on, rather than simply giving up and declaring China Harbor’s continued existence to be a mystery, The Naked Loon is comfortable declaring that a drug connection is the answer.

Why has such flagrant wrong-doing been allowed to continue for so long out in the open? Again, in the absence of evidence, The Naked Loon is forced to assume the most logical explanation: that local law enforcement and government agents are also in on the operation. How deep does the corruption go? Probably all the way to the top.