Hot Topics

2008

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Business, Shorts September 26, 2008

Company Revenue Probably About to Expand

In a stand-up meeting at Stanford Sprockets on Friday, company president Bill Brumsfield briefed the staff of 56 on the good news and the bad news of last month’s revenue figures.

“The bad news is that we didn’t meet our projected revenues and we have lost over five hundred thousand dollars this year,” said Brumsfield. “But—the good news is that we’re currently on track to lose less than we did in 2007, and we probably won’t have to file bankruptcy for at least another eighteen months!”

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The Loony Bin September 23, 2008

Lame Excuses

Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to run a consistent online newspaper business, and suddenly your entire staff just up and leaves on a road trip without giving you any notice, and they say they’re going to write stuff from the road, but they only send you a couple of stories, and then they give you some story about how they got a tank of bad gas in Oregon, and it cost them over $400 to fix their car, and they’re sorry but they just haven’t had the time to write you stories, and why don’t you just post a cute picture of a raccoon or something, and anyway we’ll be back Friday and we’ll get right to work, we promise.

I hate it when that happens. Stupid Oregon.

Stupid Oregon

Living September 17, 2008

Make the Most of Your Puget Sound Staycation

You deserve a vacation. Unfortunately, there is a problem. Or two. Or three. If you fly somewhere, you’re faced with airline fees for everything from bathroom breaks to cabin pressurization. Driving isn’t much better, as the cost of gas remains so high that you’ve even considered the unthinkable—taking the bus to work. And oh yeah, thanks to the housing crash and the economy, you’re broke.

Thankfully, that’s why God gave us the staycation. Of course, even sticking around the Sound isn’t without its troubles. Your neighborhood is safe and friendly, but who knows what dangers lurk in the more… shall we say… “exotic” corners of the Pacific Northwest.

Sci/Tech September 16, 2008

Deadly Butt-Cheek Disease Thwarted by Paper Seat Cover

PIKE PLACE MARKET, SEATTLE – A deadly strain of Hinternoccoci bacteria was soundly thwarted in its attempt to spread from a public toilet seat to the butt-cheek of area man Todd Stanley Tuesday.

Before taking his seat on the public toilet, Stanley carefully removed a paper toilet seat cover from the “Health Guard” dispenser in the stall, placing it squarely on the communal throne.

US/World September 13, 2008

Ford Announces Huge Truck Sale for Ike Victims

As Hurricane Ike sweeps through southeast Texas leaving a trail of devastation in its wake, Ford Motor Co. has announced an exciting new vehicle promotion available exclusively to hurricane-affected areas.

“For many Texas families, the massive destruction of Hurricane Ike has wiped out everything: their homes, their pets, and—most importantly—their pickup trucks,” says a new Ford TV ad already being broadcast across Texas Saturday. “Announcing the Ford Super Ike Disaster Recovery Sale.”

Politics September 12, 2008

Dan Rather Uncovers Martin Luther King Jr. Memo Endorsing Obama by Name

In an exclusive investigative report set to air Friday morning, veteran newsman Dan Rather will reveal a stunning document unearthed from the files of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., in which the late civil rights activist strongly endorses Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

Rather will unveil the document during a special edition of his cable news program Dan Rather Reports on HDNet.

Arts & Entertainment September 11, 2008

Local Filmmaker Smooshes Ant, Creates Indie Film

A groundbreaking independent film screening this weekend in Seattle takes an insightful, entertaining, and totally original look into the mind of nature’s most overlooked insect: the ant.

Local filmmaker Andy Todd’s new film, Ant: The Awakening, will premier Saturday to an audience of pretentious indie-film-enthusiasts at the Jewel Box Theater in Belltown.

Business September 10, 2008

Boeing Machinists Demand Tully’s in Breakroom, Pleather Gloves for Shop Floor

As 27,000 Boeing machinists hit the picket lines for the fifth day, representatives of the International Association of Machinists (IAM) released a comprehensive list of union demands on Wednesday.

While the list contains the usual complaints about pay raises and pensions, many machinists say it’s the lesser known issues like better coffee in the breakroom and more comfortable hand protection that are the most important to them.

Opinion September 9, 2008

Gahh, I Hate Being Wrong!

You know what I hate? I hate being wrong! Wait, did I say wrong? Scratch that, I am never wrong.

I just hate it when someone confronts me and tries to get me to back up my views with so-called logic and reason. Listen, people—I do not base my beliefs on actual “logical thought” or “rational thinking,” okay? Do I look like some sort of college professor or something? Sheesh.

I do not so much use reason to come to my beliefs, as raw emotion…