Boeing Machinists Demand Tully’s in Breakroom, Pleather Gloves for Shop Floor

As 27,000 Boeing machinists hit the picket lines for the fifth day, representatives of the International Association of Machinists (IAM) released a comprehensive list of union demands on Wednesday.

While the list contains the usual complaints about pay raises and pensions, many machinists say it’s the lesser known issues like better coffee in the breakroom and more comfortable hand protection that are the most important to them.

“We actually had no problem getting Boeing to agree to our compensation demands,” said Mark Blondin, national aerospace coordinator for IAM. “But as soon as we brought up our demand that they replace Starbucks in the breakroom with Tully’s, the faces of the company negotiating team turned bright red and they literally smashed their fists on the table and stormed out of the room.”

In addition to Tully’s coffee and pleather gloves, the machinists’ union also requested yearly payouts of coupons for local tanning salons, a ferret petting zoo, and free herbal viagra.

Boeing negotiators balked at the extensive list of over three hundred detailed demands from the union.

“There is no way we are going to pay for bi-yearly trips to Kenya to hunt giraffe for 27,000 machinists,” said Boeing Commercial Airplanes Chief Executive Scott Carson. “The line has to be drawn somewhere.”

Machinists are convinced that Boeing has more than enough money to pay for every little inane desire that crosses their minds. At the same time, they hold the completely contradictory belief that Boeing cannot afford to shut down their already backlogged production lines. In the mind of a Boeing machinist, the company is both flush with cash and also on a shoestring budget.

As inconceivable as it may seem, Boeing seems determined to avoid following in the footsteps of such successful American manufacturers as GM and Ford, who combined have lost over eighty-three quadrillion dollars since January 2007, largely due to the crushing burdens of keeping their financial promises to employees.

As the strike winds into its second week, each side expressed a willingness to listen—if the other side will fully concede all their points and do a little dance of surrender.

“We didn’t come into this to play nice,” said Blondin. “We voted to strike because we want our gosh-darned ferret tanning—um, I mean viagra petting zoo—er, well, you saw our list… we want that stuff.”

Of course, each of the 23,000-plus machinists that voted to strike have their own personal reasons.

“Me, I just enjoy the experience of being on strike,” added Auburn-based machinist Tom Lookwell.

About the Author

Björn Maximus
Naked Loon Business Reporter

11 Comments on "Boeing Machinists Demand Tully’s in Breakroom, Pleather Gloves for Shop Floor"

  1. GO TULLY’S! I like Tully’s better than Starbucks too.


  2. Where in the heck do you dig up this junk? You really need to check your sources.

  3. There’s certainly someone here that needs to—achem—check their sources, but it ain’t Mr. Maximus.

  4. The sad truth is that we have one of the most profitable tullys locations inside the plant.(look it up)

  5. flummery | 2008-09-12 at 8:29 AM |

    My European friends tell me that Airbus machinists have cuter, silkier ferrets. What happened to America? When did we lose our competitive advantage?

  6. Darlene | 2008-09-12 at 9:06 AM |

    I agree with Tom Dover: a ferret petting zoo is the most important demand! If Boeing machinists get that “benefit”, then I’m going to see if my bosses will let us have a petting zoo.

    If it’s good enough for Boeing, it’s good enough for us.

    However, I won’t ask for the Kenya giraffe-hunting trip. I don’t like hot climates.

  7. Is this for REAL??? Man, I wish we could get a ferret petting zoo, too! If Boeing gets one, I bet us State Workers could too. I’ll have to get our local union thug on that right away. Hey, gov! Are you listening? This just might turn the corner for you in November!

  8. Top Wop | 2008-09-14 at 7:25 PM |

    Yes we want it all!! Don’t forget that we want more naptime. Right now it’s time to travel.

  9. I like their burn barrels.

  10. As a Machinists I was really getting tired of the Star Bucks, the Tully’s coffee was a nice change of pace. When Boeing insisted that we start paying for own coffee that was too much for me. We are demanding free coffee for residence of puget sound. After all it was you who gave Boeing almost 8 billion in tax credits and infrastructure improvements. Since you can’t recoup your tax dollars through wages anymore, we thought the next best thing would be free coffee for everyone. There you have right from the picket line. For real comments and facts check elsewhere. The 8 Billion is the true part. Greedy Machinists LOL, The CEOs at Boeing have come up with a new clothing line, The Boeing suit, 3XL pockets to hold all their cash they skim off the top.

  11. We are facing a national economic crisis. People are loosing their jobs and homes. The machinest should be thankful they even have jobs. But instead, they don’t realize how fortunate they are to even be working and make stupid demands that bring Boeing closer to financial ruin. Boeing should terminate all employees and relocate to China or Mexico where they don’t have to deal with unionized labor. At least in those countries, the people are gratful just to be working and have a steady income to put food on the table; not stupid ferret zoos.

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