Opinion

The Space Needle is totally around here somewhere, I’m sure of it.

Yes, I realize we’ve been wandering around downtown for two hours now. That just means we must be close, right?

No, I will not stop to ask for directions. I realize that this is our first time Seattle, and I may not know where every little thing is located. But I’ll be danged if I stoop to getting any so-called direction from one of these prancified coffee-swilling yuppies.

I’m a reasonable, tolerant person, but I admit, there are a few things that I do not tolerate: intolerance, coffee beans that are not fair trade and certified organic, Wal*Mart, carbon emissions, the neighbors’ gosh darned cats in my yard.

In fact, I’m putting out this official warning right now: Neighbors that do not want pieces of their cats to be individually wrapped and delivered on their doorstep need to keep them the heck out of my yard.

Hi, my name is Alexander and I am in the eighth grade. I am an above average English student and author. I don’t prefer to write very much, but I can write pretty good. I can do poetry O.K. if I try real hard, as I have done in this column. This column will show my creativity. Some of the poems will not be that great, but they are my best.

Thank You, and enjoy.

You see this burger? The one right here in front of me, sitting on my plate? I can eat this entire burger in one bite.

That’s right; I can just pop the whole thing right into my mouth and scarf it down all at once.

You don’t believe me? Well, that’s a crucial error on your part. I know my mouth better than I know the back of my hand, and certainly well enough to make an accurate assessment of how much food it can or cannot hold at one time.

It seems like the popular thing to talk about these days is all the racial tension and “hidden racism” against African-Americans. That is fine, I am as anti-racism as the next progressive, but let me tell you something: it is not easy being white, either.

Let me just start with the word “white.” Who decided that it was okay to call me that? I prefer “Euro-American” or simply “Amero-American.” But white does not even accurately describe the actual color of my skin. Do you know what is actually white? Toilets, mayonnaise, and snow. People call me white right to my face; day in and day out. What they are really calling me is “snowy mayo toilet-skin.”

In the wake of mounting public outrage following the imminent departure of the Seattle Sonics, I feel that there is something I need to say. I’d like to address an unlikely figure that has joined the rising chorus of my critics: me, Howard Schultz.

As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee at Tully’s in Madison Park, I mull over the various things I’ve done that I myself would describe as ‘disgusting’, ‘despicable’ and ‘loathsome.’ “I really am one of the biggest jerks out there,” I mutter wistfully to myself.

My name is Alexander and I am in the first grade. When I grow up I want to be a elephant trainer.

Elephants are neat. They are big and gray and have funny long noses and you can ride on them if you are real careful and nice. When you ride on a elephant you can make it go around and stomp on people like the bully at school named Joe that pushes me around. My elephant will make Joe go splat.

We’ve been beating around the bush for long enough. It’s time we got serious about taking back control of our government from the business-as-usual bureaucrats that have taken over Olympia.

That’s why I’m introducing my latest initiative, I-999, which will completely eliminate the offices of state representatives, senators, judges, and governor.

I-999 is a smart, balanced, reasonable proposal that closes loopholes in state government that have allowed tax-raising government cronies to maintain a tight fist of control over the years, thwarting the will of the people time and again.

US Out of Iraq
vs.
Stop the Senseless Murder of Pregnant Iraqi Children

We need the US out of Iraq. There can be no blood for oil. Everyone knows that Bush lied, people died. The best thing to do would be to impeach Bush. I support the troops, which is why I believe we need to bring them home right away.

When it comes to our area’s transportation problems, you hear a lot of talk these days about “compromise.” People say that transit advocates and road supporters should come together and find a middle ground that will benefit the entire community. You know what? Screw that. There, I said it.

I am tired of pretending that there are two sides to the so-called transportation “debate.” The simple fact of the matter is…