November 2008

Starbucks to Beg, Plead, and Drug Customers

Following a dismal fourth quarter report which saw profit tumble by 97 percent, Starbucks has announced a bold, multi-faceted plan to reposition itself in the harsh economy through a combination of in-your-face customer service, excessive begging/pleading, and illicit drug use.

Although delusional CEO Howard Schultz appears to truly believe that the company is in better shape to weather rough economic times following a year of violent layoffs…

Fannie, Freddie Boost Efforts to Minimize Responsibility

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the walking-dead government-owned mortgage-finance companies, announced Tuesday that they will accelerate their anti-responsibility efforts with a new accountability elimination program designed to cut financial obligations for struggling debtors.

The mortgage giants will target loans in which borrowers have given up paying back their mortgages for three months or more and have debt obligations that exceed fifty percent of their monthly income.

Reichert Collapses into Twitching Convulsions

Eighth District Representative Dave Reichert was hospitalized Monday, as the increasingly heavy burden of being the sole Republican hope in the Seattle area finally became too much to bear.

The stunning news came even as vote counts in King and Pierce counties extended Reichert’s now comfortable 13,000-vote lead in his re-election bid against Darcy Burner, a former Microsoft executive middle manager whose impressive credentials include a degree in economics computer science.

No Picture

Weirdos Ask Google News: Is Obama the Antichrist?

Um, what the heck, people?

According to The Naked Loon’s web tracking software, on Wednesday and Thursday at least 43 people arrived at our recent point-counterpoint by doing a Google News search for “is obama the antichrist”, plus over 150 more that searched for either obama antichrist, obama anti christ, obama the antichrist, and many other variations totaling over 200 visitors.

Seriously? People are searching Google News for this?

Point-Counterpoint: Obama is the Christ vs. Barack Hussein Obama is the Antichrist

Obama is the Christ

Congratulations America. You finally did something right. You elected Barack Obama—the embodiment of all that is good and virtuous—as our great nation’s president.

Barack Hussein Obama is the Antichrist

Oh no. No no no… America, what have you done—WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

I can hardly believe this is really happening, but the American people have indeed just elected Barack Hussein Obama—the Antichrist as our president.

Boeing Engineer Bests Personal Castle Defense Record

As striking machinists returned to work on Monday, Renton-based Boeing engineer Mark Waring took a celebratory day off, to reward himself for achieving a major life goal: finally reaching level 50 in the web-based game Defend Your Castle.

After many hours of intense labor throughout the machinists’ strike, Waring finally was able to break past level 42, which had been the furthest level he had been able to achieve in the previous three hundred games.

Seattle Prepares for Electoral Apocalypse

On the eve of the big election day, political enthusiasts throughout the Seattle area are hunkering down to prepare for the inevitably nasty post-election fallout.

The 2008 presidential election, like the six or seven elections preceding it, is quite possibly the most important election in most voters’ lifetimes. With heightened emotions and a simmering rage boiling just beneath the surface on both sides of the nation’s political scene…