News
I am truly a despicable wretch.
In the wake of mounting public outrage following the imminent departure of the Seattle Sonics, I feel that there is something I need to say. I’d like to address an unlikely figure that has joined the rising chorus of my critics: me, Howard Schultz.
As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee at Tully’s in Madison Park, I mull over the various things I’ve done that I myself would describe as ‘disgusting’, ‘despicable’ and ‘loathsome.’ “I really am one of the biggest jerks out there,” I mutter wistfully to myself.
M’s Management Regret Passing on Bedard Warranty
As Érik Bédard comes close to making his way off of the disabled list, Mariners management staff admits that they are now kicking themselves for having bought the extended warranty on the star pitcher.
“I mean come on, it was only $29.95 at the register,” said team president Howard Lincoln.
General Manager Bill Bavasi took full responsibility for the oversight, saying Thursday that he “always thought those things were a scam.”
Seize the Spring, Before it’s TOO LATE
With temperatures reaching all the way up into the 60s, and wet and dreary days giving way to partial clouds with a mere 50% chance of rain, spring has finally taken hold here in the Puget Sound. As we begin to venture outside, away from the comfort of our marble countertops and bamboo floors, it is fun to rediscover all that the outdoors has to offer around the sound. For the half of the population that moved here from California in the last year, springtime offers a host of all-new experiences.
Starbucks Tries to Out-McDonald’s McDonald’s
Seattle-based Starbucks Coffee—the McDonald’s of drug-laced drink outlets—faces an growing challenge to their core business model as Chicago-based McDonald’s—the McDonald’s of cheap and disgusting hamburgers—pushes into the world of over-priced status-symbol beverages with an increasingly intense campaign.
Starbucks has faced difficulty in recent years, as their increasingly ridiculous gimmicks have failed to draw in and retain a customer base capable of supporting their breakneck rate of expansion, peaking in 2007 when they opened an average of five new stores every second.
Bigoted Bumper Sticker Sighted, Punished
When Harrison Jenkins woke up on Monday, he thought his day would be no different than any other—go to work, banter about the usual inoffensive topics, do his job, listen to NPR… all the usual stuff. Unfortunately, Harrison’s tranquil bubble of tolerance and open-mindedness was violently popped as he drove the carpool to work on I-405.
“I was just driving along, minding my own business…
Puget Sound Group Denounces 100 MPG X PRIZE
The so-called “Progressive” Automotive X PRIZE is anything but progressive, said a newly-formed coalition of Puget Sound business and government leaders named Driving Undermines Humanity (DUH) in a press conference on Friday.
The Progressive Automotive X PRIZE is the latest in a series of privately-run technology competitions run by the X PRIZE Foundation. The foundation is best known for the showy but pointless flights of SpaceShipOne…
How Do Sonics Players Feel About Leaving Seattle?
Jumbo-Sized Frosted Mini Wheats Blow Tukwila Man’s Mind
Twenty-eight-year-old Tukwila resident Steve Swenson had his mind blown on Saturday by the Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats: Big Bite cereal that he enjoyed for breakfast.
“I pulled the box out of the pantry and was like, whoa,” said Swenson, a Supply Chain Specialist for local aerospace manufacturer Boeing. “It’s like, they’re mini, but big at the same time… how is that possible?”
Snowy Apocalypse Descends Upon Puget Sound
In an unmistakable sign of God’s anger toward the numerous and flagrant sins of the greater Seattle region, a storm of heavy snow and lightning descended upon the area the evening of April 18th.
“Nude bicycle parades, gay newspapers, and an extreme idolization of coffee are all abominations to me,” said The Almighty. “And don’t even get me started on that terrible stank they got going on down in Tacoma.”
Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town
In an unprecedented turn of events, a small town in rural Kentucky has been completely taken over by hummingbirds.
Seemingly no different from ordinary hummingbirds, the diminutive birds have descended on the town of Blandville by the tens of thousands, completely subjugating the population of approximately 100 citizens.
“They done came down out of that there sky, and completely surrounded our house,” said Blandville resident Slyvia Snodgrass.
I want to be a elephant trainer when I grow up
My name is Alexander and I am in the first grade. When I grow up I want to be a elephant trainer.
Elephants are neat. They are big and gray and have funny long noses and you can ride on them if you are real careful and nice. When you ride on a elephant you can make it go around and stomp on people like the bully at school named Joe that pushes me around. My elephant will make Joe go splat.
Hundreds of Thousands Return to Self-Centered Lives
Over 175,000 people returned to their usual self-centered lives today after attending various events during the Dalai Lama’s five-day “Seeds of Compassion” Seattle tour.
Throughout his visit to Seattle, the Dalai Lama spoke extensively of kindness and compassion, to approving applause from crowds numbering in the tens of thousands. Following these inspirational events, residents of the Seattle area promptly went back to their day-to-day lives, living in exactly the same way as before.
Helpful Tips for Tax Time
So it’s April 15th, again, and you’ve put off doing your taxes until the last minute yet again. Well luckily for you, the tireless staff of The Naked Loon is here to make your life easier with a list of useful tips to help you take advantage of every possible sneaky loophole and clever dodge. By following these tips, you can turn tax time into fun time.
Desperate for Veteran Bullpen Leadership, Mariners Sign 97-year-old Pitcher
In a desperate effort to gain experienced leadership among their pitching staff, the Mariners have brought on Pappy McFreeson, a 97-year-old relief pitcher.
The Mariners have had difficulty as of late retaining experienced talent in the bullpen, and the move is seen as a clear indication of their commitment to turn that trend around.
Having pitched in the major leagues for sixty-eight years, McFreeson alone has ten times more experience than the rest of the M’s bullpen combined.