Your World 2008-04-13
News
What Are We Afraid Of?
American Airlines Cancels All Flights, Forever
After canceling nearly 2,500 flights in a test-run earlier in the week, American Airlines announced today that they would be canceling all future flights, effective immediately.
While the earlier cancellations were ostensibly implemented in order to perform some necessary wiring repairs, the airline revealed today that they were in fact merely an experiment to determine whether they could operate on a flight-free business model.
Unwitting Viewers Tricked into Watching Entire Boring Newscast
Using the lure of a “twisted take on local headlines,” KOMO 4 eleven o’clock news team Dan Lewis and Mary Nam succeeded last night in tricking unwitting viewers into sitting through an entire newscast filled with tedious stories and depressing tales of woe.
A new Seattle-area parody news website was used as bait in ads promoting the newscast during the seven, eight, nine and ten o’clock hours, and the story was dangled in front of viewers like a caramel-covered strawberry marshmallow…
Gorge Amphitheatre to be Moved to Seattle
Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels announced an exciting new plan today by the city to relocate the Gorge Amphitheatre from the backward rural central Washington village of George to the glistening progressive urban utopia of Seattle.
“Seattle is the best place in the State of Washington for entertainment,” said Nickels, “so it just makes sense that we should have the state’s best concert venue located here in our fair city.”
Washington Poison Center Introduces Mr. Yum
The Washington Poison Center held a press conference today to announce the introduction of Mr. Yum, a new character that will be used to further their mission to properly condition children against poisons.
The new Mr. Yum character retains the familiar green color of the Mr. Yuk brand, but in place of an angry face sticking out its tongue, Mr. Yum sports a sly grin as he licks his lips.
Keep Your Neighborhood in Super-Great Tip-Top Awesome Condition
We all want an awesome place to live. We want a super-posh home in a ridiculously affluent neighborhood that feels popular and sheltered; and most of all, we all want to live in a sterile, plague-free, and ultra-sexy community. Please take a moment to think about the following.
Republicans with No Hope Make Pointless Run for Office
With the attention-span-challenged nation focused on a high-profile presidential campaign in which November’s winner is anyone’s guess, it’s easy to overlook the greater Seattle area’s boring, one-sided local electoral contests…
In an enlightened, superior progressive region such as the Puget Sound, candidates running under the pollution-loving, war-mongering, Bible-thumping Republican banner…
Popular Puget Sound Career Paths
Student Exchange Program Benefits Bellevue Snobs and Auburn Peasants
For the past three months, Bellevue schools have been pioneering an exciting new student exchange program with school children in the immeasurably less fortunate village of Auburn, located in the poverty-stricken wastelands south of Seattle.
In the program, students from Bellevue schools endure a week living with a host family in Auburn while their counterparts are granted a temporary glimpse of life outside of the rural slums.
China Harbor Probably Not Just a Restaurant
Situated prominently on the western shore of Lake Union, the massive “restaurant” known as China Harbor has long been an object of suspicion in the local community. In a four-week undercover investigation, The Naked Loon has uncovered the startling truth about this so-called fine dining establishment.
For years Seattle residents have acknowledged to each other that there are few restaurants which require a warehouse large enough to build a 747 inside.
UW Research Concludes Screaming At Children Probably Not Beneficial
Researchers at the University of Washington released the results of their latest study on Tuesday in a paper titled “The effects of extreme verbal abuse on childhood psychological development.”
The thirteen-million-dollar, six-year study closely followed five hundred children aged three weeks through nine years, who were brought in on a weekly basis for two-hour sessions during which they were subjected to a non-stop barrage of profanity…
State Government Declares War on Toys
With a sweeping new bill signed into law by Christine Gregoire on Tuesday, Washington State’s government has officially declared war on children’s toys.
House Bill 2647 uses the guise of implementing the world’s strictest toy safety standards to execute what will effectively become a statewide ban on fun.
“Kids these days have way, way too much fun,” said Representative Mary Lou Dickerson.
DOT Announces New Ultra-Green Ferry Routes
Citing environmental concerns, the Washington State Department of Transportation announced new system-wide ferry routes today.
“Holy crap,” said state Transportation Secretary Paula Hammond, “it turns out that the Puget Sound has a lot of wildlife!” She explained that the new routes will allow ferries to avoid disturbing sensitive natural habitats, with the minor side effect of quadrupling most crossing times.
Tashkent, UZ Renounces Seattle Sister City Status
In an unanticipated turn of events this week, the entire city of Tashkent, Uzbekistan rose up with one voice and vehemently renounced their sister city status with Seattle.
The upheaval came as all of Tashkent was watching a recent speech by Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels. Details are sketchy, but it seems that Nickels’ comments on his proposed green-building program just happen to sound exactly like the most insulting curse in the Uzbek language.
Sonics Owners Announce Surprise Deal to Relocate Team to Tacoma
Despite a groundswell of support in Oklahoma and deal after deal offered by the city of Seattle, Sonics owners announced Thursday that they have just finalized a deal to move the team to Tacoma.
The announcement came as a shock to Seattle leaders who, since the team’s sale to Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett in 2006, had offered an unending stream of dismal, inadequate plans…