At the conclusion of a specially-convened 48-hour summit this weekend, the United Nations narrowly passed a resolution declaring an official end to the worldwide economic crisis.
The resolution states that if the complete and utter collapse of the world economy refuses to cease all its financial destruction programs and allow UN inspectors to verify the termination thereof, it runs the risk of bearing the full brunt of further resolutions.
Illinois’ incoming junior senator Roland Burris’ no holds barred brawl with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid drew over one hundred and eighty million viewers Wednesday, with political beatdown enthusiasts from every state in the nation tuning into the brutal five hour match.
Political observers were treated to the first such fight in over one hundred years thanks to an obscure Senate rule requiring disputed seats to be settled in the boxing ring.
Obama Urges Congress to “Spend like there’s no tomorrow, because if you don’t, THERE MAY NOT BE A TOMORROW.”
Citing an “economic booby trap of elephantine proportions,” President-elect Barack Obama urged Congress yesterday to pass yet another costly and ultimately ineffective “stimulus” bill as quickly as possible.
In response to the very utterance of the world’s favorite bureaucrat, stock prices surged in yet another record-setting rally—an undeniably positive sign that experts say signals an end to the economic crisis for the seventeenth time in the past six months.
- Fannie, Freddie Boost Efforts to Minimize Responsibility
- Fed Cuts Rate to 1% to Ensure Prolonged Recession
- MIT Study: Internet Rife With Hypocrisy, Lies
- Paulson to Congress: You’re Mine Now, Suckas
- Ford Announces Huge Truck Sale for Ike Victims
- Stocks Slide on Stock Sliding Worries
- Twine Ball Heroically Saved from Freak Tornado
- China Fakes Entire Olympic Games
- Nation’s Moviegoers Declare War on Theaters
- FDIC Folds—Federal Finances Foolishly Floundered
- Ahmadinejad Discovers, Embraces Jewish Ancestry
- Al-Qaeda to Close Seattle Cell, Cites High Insurance Costs
- Absolutely Nothing Happens for 10,000th-Straight Day in Tiny North Dakota Town
- South Korean Transit Strike Disrupts Gamer Junk Food Supply
- US Government to Distribute Stimulus Morphine Injections
- Anti-Depressant Manufacturers Thrilled by Oncoming Recession
- China Declares War on Tectonic Plates
- Australia Welcomes Complete Lawlessness
- Bossy Hummingbirds Take Over Small Kentucky Town
- American Airlines Cancels All Flights, Forever
- Tashkent, UZ Renounces Seattle Sister City Status
- Congress Passes Some Bill