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Sci/Tech 2008-07-10

Discovery Institute Takes on Gravity Myth

Hot on the heels of a recent Louisiana victory in the fight against evolution, the Seattle-based think tank Discovery Institute held a press conference Thursday to announce their latest initiative: defeating the myth of gravity.

Robert Crowther, Discovery’s director of communications was visibly excited as he detailed the Institute’s plan for attacking what he refers to as the sloppy, inaccurate, and overtly biased portrayal of the theory of gravity.

“Gravity is just a theory, and a poorly-supported one at that,” said Crowther…

Local 2008-07-09

Communism Threat Finally Neutralized, Seattle Updates Civil Defense Plans

Seattle city officials held a progress review meeting today to update the city’s civil defense preparations. The meeting was hastily ordered by Mayor Nickels after a city clerk discovered an obscure city code dating back to the 50s that requires the city to update its civil defense plans and distribute updated materials to the public every ten years. Seattle has not updated its civil defense plans since 1951.

…changes to the civil defense materials include updates to lists of subversive organizations and replacing detailed explanations of death by atom bomb with comprehensive descriptions of death by chemical or biological attack.

“We’re pretty proud of what we were able to produce on such a short notice,” said Mayor Nickels, who explained that updated civil defense pamphlets and books will be available to Seattle residents as early as next week.

Business 2008-07-08

Startup Dandelion Gardeners Pursue Bold Dream

James Elmore spent the night in the bed of his El Camino. A mass of ladybugs had crept up his leg the night before as he finished the endless chores of his startup farm. He didn’t want to take the helpful bugs all the way to his house in Arlington.

Besides, all his chores—those endless, repetitive, and mind-numbingly boring chores—would be waiting for him the next day. The dandelion is a harsh mistress.

Farming dandelions requires daily sacrifices from Elmore, his wife Eleanor, and his nine children, who hope to someday turn their 153-acre plot of dandelions in Trafton into a thriving ranch that supports the family of eleven.

“It’s this crazy dream we have,” says Elmore, 36.

US/World 2008-07-07

Al-Qaeda to Close Seattle Cell, Cites High Insurance Costs

After months of silence, a video released from al-Qaeda on Monday announced that the struggling organization will close 150 terror cells worldwide, including in Seattle.

The unnamed spokesman in the grainy video cited skyrocketing insurance costs as the primary reason for closing the Seattle cell. “Health, dental, vision, life, automobile, home… it adds up fast,” said the figure.

Most of the local terror cell jobs will be outsourced to Iraq and Pakistan. The move has upset local dedicated al-Qaeda operatives.

“I left my job at Microsoft because I believed in this organization’s three values: Death to America, establish caliphate, and taking care of the martyrs with full vision and dental,” said Shoreline al-Qaeda member Ahmed Moqed…

Opinion 2008-07-05

Trust Me on this One: Dolphins are Stupid

I feel I just have to address something gone terribly wrong in this world: Dolphins. Yes, you heard me right, dang it. I said dolphins. Yeah, I know, you think they’re cute. You think they are smart. That’s what you’ve been told. Told by the system. THE SYSTEM! DO YOU HEAR ME?! THEY ARE FORCE-FEEDING YOU THESE LIES!!

Yeah, they may LOOK cute, and their trainers may SAY they are smart, but they are not smart. Not at all. (Imagine an uppity nasal voice here) “Dolphins are easily as intelligent as man because they develop complex social relationships with other creatures and display learning skills higher than any other animal. Really humans could learn a lot from dolphins. They have the intelligence to aide them in living full happy lives, without the instinct to use their intelligence to prey on other creatures. We are indeed inferior.”

Living 2008-07-04

Tips for a Fun and Death-Free Independence Day Weekend

Independence Day—a day when all America shirks responsibilities like work and heads outside to barbecue with friends and blow stuff up in remembrance of our country being awesome. Truly this is exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they signed the Fourth of July Party Proclamation that kicked off this yearly tradition so many years ago.

As Benjamin Franklin once said, an empty bag will not stand upright. In that spirit, and in order to assure that everyone can have a fun holiday weekend free of exploding death and dismemberment, The Naked Loon has compiled this helpful guide to Independence Day in the Seattle area.

Politics 2008-07-03

Solution to Viaduct More Committees, Committee Says

A committee made up of city, state and county officials commissioned to study solutions to the Alaska Way Viaduct announced their latest findings today. The committee released a statement indicating that they have finally determined a definitive solution to the problem of the crumbling Viaduct. That solution, according to the committee, is to form more committees.

“I’m a little embarrassed it took us this long to see the obvious answer that was staring us in the face this whole time,” said Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels.

The report from the committee laid out an extensive plan to solve the Viaduct issue by convening a series of seventy-three separate committees over the next twenty years.

Arts & Entertainment 2008-07-02

Trademark “Bennett Scowl” Unfazed by Sonics Ruling

Editor’s note: Thanks to the uncanny prescience of our writing staff, The Naked Loon is able to bring you the big news about today’s Sonics ruling ten whole hours before anyone else!

Welcome to the future, Seattle.

As U.S. District Judge Marsha Pechman handed down her decision today in Seattle’s lawsuit against the Sonics, team owner Clay Bennett successfully maintained his trademark scowl without displaying even so much as a slight twitch at the corner of his lips.

When Judge Pechman’s ruling was revealed at 4:00 this afternoon…

Sci/Tech 2008-07-01

Climatologists: Melting Arctic Ice an Excellent Source of Bottled Water

In the wake of last week’s seemingly dire news that ice at the North Pole is on track to melt by September, climatologists have come forward with news that somewhat softens the blow. According to a growing number of scientists, melting arctic ice tastes absolutely delicious—far better than any bottled water currently on the market.

“Recent Arctic warming is quite dramatic,” said Jolene Townsend, a climatologist at the University of Washington, “but so is the American appetite for pure, fresh-tasting bottled water.” Townsend described the scenario as a win-win since really who lives in the Arctic anyway—nobody, that’s who.

“If I weren’t so busy breathlessly spreading global warming alarmism, I would bottle this stuff and sell it myself,” said University of Colorado climatologist Steven Wiltshire…

Local 2008-06-30

Empty Kenmore Denny’s Still Standing, Nobody Cares

One week after the iconic Ballard Denny’s building was unceremoniously smashed to bits, the 31-year-old Denny’s restaurant building in Kenmore continues to remain standing, a blatant mockery of all that is good and wholesome.

While the architecturally interesting Ballard Denny’s met the steel claw of progress last week, the exceptionally ordinary Kenmore Denny’s building has so far avoided meeting the same fate.

Since the closure of Denny’s in May of 2006, the nondescript building has been sitting gutted and empty without so much as a peep from local neighbors…

US/World 2008-06-28

Absolutely Nothing Happens for 10,000th-Straight Day in Tiny North Dakota Town

The town of Donnybrook, North Dakota was a complete and utter bore today as absolutely nothing happened for the ten-thousandth consecutive day.

There were no crimes, no good deeds, no business deals, no mushy reunions, and no rampaging chimps escaped from the local zoo (there is no zoo) flinging poo on the citizenry.

The last time anything happened in Donnybrook was February 10th, 1981…

Living 2008-06-26

Navigating Transit in Seattle is as Easy as 1, 37, 12!

As the price of gas continues to fly higher than a bald eagle on LSD, more and more people are looking for ways to cut commuting costs.

With access to one of the world’s best mass transit systems, Seattle residents are in a great position to kick the disgusting habit of driving once and for all.

If you’re new to mass transit in Seattle, don’t fret! Just follow these easy tips and you’ll be clearing your environmental conscience and fattening your wallet in no time.

The best thing about mass transit in Seattle is all the choices. We’ve got bus, light rail, monorail, commuter rail, trolley, ferry, and much, much, more! Of course, all these choices can be intimidating to someone who is used to the boring one-trick-train systems in lesser cities such as Chicago or New York.